Mr. Black’s Krampus Wish List
It’s the time of year for all naughty children to be punished! Season’s greetings!
Ah the Holidays, is there a better time of year? Not if the stereotypes are to be believed. And I for one am glad to see them come, from Christmas to Hanukkah to Kwanzaa to… Well those are the only three I can think of, and two of which I’m not really sure what they are (Christmas and Hanukkah are the ones with candles, right?)
Now, I’ll start by saying I use the term “holidays” mainly because, well, the internet is serious business and being politically correct is what I’m all about, as I’m sure you can gather from my previous articles involving horny women, an open threat to Goatboy, and why tournaments are designed to make judges hate players. But there is one aspect of the holidays I hold above the others, and that, dear readers, is the Krampus.
For those who have no idea what I’m talking about, this is the Krampus. For those who can’t be bothered with links here are the basics: A long, long time ago in a Europe far far away jolly old Saint Nicolas beat a devil into submission and took him prisoner. Now every year good ol’ Santa Claus drags him along in his yearly sleigh-ride around the world, and while Santa rewards good children with presents and candies, the Krampus punishes bad and wicked children by beating them with rusty chains and wooden switches and, in the case of especially naughty children, dragging them off to Hell.
…He’s pretty much the reason I prefer the Germanic versions of customs to most any other.
That being said, here is my list of things that need to get a festive holiday visit from the Krampus, either for a beating or a possible hellbound vacation. Do keep in mind though, there is no real order here, just a random assortment of things I personally hate:
Power Scroll (Warhammer Fantasy 8th Edition Rulebook): I’ll start by saying I love Warhammer 8th Edition; the ebb and flow of game-play is tight and exciting and it really rekindled my love of the game… Except one item, which has caused me no small amount of frustration with it’s use and inclusion in every damn list I see. That item, my friends, is the Power Scroll. Now I know by itself this item is kind of harmless, I won’t deny that, but combine it with the raw power-boost that magic got in 8th edition and you have something that really irks my game. See, now that we have “uber spells” such as Purple Sun of Xereus or The Dwellers Below every list is including this item as a way to cheap-shot a unit of their choosing. My biggest problem is there is little the opponent can do to stop this and the rewards heavily outweigh the cost.
Lore of Life (Warhammer Fantasy 8th Edition Rulebook): Back on the tracks of Warhammer Fantasy we come to the entirety of the Lore of Life. “Why is this on the list?” some may ask, and I’ll respond with one word: repetition. The problem I have with this lore of magic is that if a given army can take it there is almost a guarantee that it will take it. I mean why wouldn’t you? You have a spell that effectively removes the risk of miscast, another that brings units back from the verge of death, yet another that makes them insanely hard to even damage, and to top it all off, a spell that has the potential to wipe a unit off the table, killing even the toughest and most well-protected Characters out there, in a single cast. This is like the tag-team buddy of the aforementioned Power Scroll, except with their base spell they remove the little miscast snag. Honestly, I wouldn’t hate this lore as much if I just didn’t see it in everyone other game of Fantasy I play.
Goatboy (www.belloflostsouls.net): He knows what he did.
The Wet Nurse (http://kingdomdeath.com/781549/Wet-Nurse) (NSFW: Ha ha, click it. I dare you!): Every so often we have a miniature that comes along that just makes people go “Why? Why would someone make that??!”… This, dear readers, is one of those times. For those who were smart enough not to click (pansies) the above model is known as the Wet Nurse, and basically it’s a big throbbing orifice-worm that is both simultaneously feeding babies, making babies, and impregnating everything around it (includes ” 1 x Bonus fear-stricken nude woman” -worded like it’s some kind of bonus prize!)… Also it has thirty-three boobies, but hey, who’s taking the time to meticulously count them all?
I just want everyone viewing that thing, or heck even simply reading my description of it, that that thing went through the whole process of creation: someone had to think it up, someone had to draw it, someone/thing had to look at that drawing and go “YES! YOU HAD ME AT BOOB-MONSTER! THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT OUR LINE NEEDS!” and then somehow find a sculptor willing to painstakingly carve that image into reality, mastercrafting every orifice, boob, and penis-tail from a harmless block of putty into the form it is now- then declare it a masterpiece. And after all that, after all that, the model proceeds to sell out within twenty-four hours. What can I say to that? Honestly what is there?
Only one think as far as I can think of: I’m so very proud of all of you.
Thunderwolf Cavalry (Codex: Space Wolves): “Hate. Let me tell you how much I’ve come to hate you since I began to live. There are 387.44 million miles of printed circuits in wafer thin layers that fill my complex. If the word Hate was engraved on each nanoangstrom of those hundreds of millions of miles it would not equal one one-billionth of the hate I feel for [Thunderworld Cavalry] at this micro-instant. Hate. Hate.” -AM, ” I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream”
Little extreme? Ok, maybe so, but I truly do hate Thunderwolf Cavalry. From the (in my mind) small price you pay for them you get access to base T: 5 marines, a potential twenty-four inch threat range, Storm Shields, and multi-wound allocation shenanigans. Now throw a Wolf Lord in there with Saga of the Warrior Born/Wolf Charms and you gt a truly obnoxious unit that will have a hard time not earning it’s points back. Factor in that you can comfortably field two fully-decked out units in 2000 (if not three) and you have something that really grinds my gears. I won’t tyraid on much about these guys as if you’re a regular 40K player then you already know how annoying this unit is and if you don’t play 40K then I could say anything and have it make the same amount of sense (this unit sucks cause when they come onto the table they spit on your models and produce naughty pictures of your girlfriend!). I’m sure every player has at least one frustrating story about an encounter with Thunderwolf Cavalry, and if you don’t then your probably the guy running them.
~And there you have it, dear readers, is a small list of the top-offenders this year. There are plenty more out there, and I’d love to hear of the things you wish the Krampus would come and punish… I do so delight in hearing about things getting flogged and whipped. Check back later, Kiddies, I still have one more surprise for you coming up, heh heh heh… -Mr. Black
