Wargaming ASKEW: Remembering the Old Imperial Guard Player
A long time ago (at least in Internet time) I posted an article over on Blood of Kittens. It was the first article ever for the blog (has it really been that long). This particular post focused some dime store psychology on the typical Imperial Guard players I encountered over the years.
It was posted before the newest IG codex and 5th ed wasn’t even a year old. It was a time when BoLS looked less like Aintitcoolnews or the Huffingtonpost. It was a time when Goatboy loved only “real” Chaos Space Marines and people used rakes to remove leaves from there lawns. It was also a time when 1/3 of BoLS comments weren’t devoted to who was first. Ahh… those were simpler times.
I thought resuscitating this old article was timely considering that Imperial Guard article. Besides I was reminded that BoLS readers commentators love joining hands together in beating dead horses and reliving that timeless battle between the fluff and the competitive.
Well here you go. Dig in!
You know him, the guy that recorded the History Channel when it just WWII documentaries. That guy for whatever reason just couldn’t get into the military. He is the type of guy that knows every line to Hogan’s Heroes. I know you’ve met him. He will forever be a Imperial Guard player.
This IG player started out playing Historical Miniature battles, over time he realized you could only play the battle of Armhem so many times. He also had a passion for modeling and painting and gosh darn it those little WII figs weren’t cutting it. So in the early 90s he discoveries this relatively new game called Warhammer 40k. Staring in his face were Marines, Ork, Chaos, and Eldar. Much to his chagrin something was wrong about all of them. Marines reminded him too much of his strict father or overbearing mother. Orks are just too silly, though he really loved the sheer number of models. Chaos was too evil– he wants to be a hero not the villain. Eldar really? No chance! About to turn away he sees something; something familiar, something sorta historical. Picking up the box it was not just any box it was this box…
It had 36 little plastic army men. These were not the gene seeded super soldiers, these could be anyone– even himself. Better yet he could put them together how he wanted being big enough to painted with detail. So the hook was planted. As the years passed on the IG never failed him in the most important sense (god knows they failed him on the battlefield) they didn’t fail his hungering war obsession. If he just finish reading a book on colonial Britain he got Praetorians. Just watch Lawrence of Arabia he got Tallarns. Watched Platoon or Rambo 2 he got Catachans. Even if he watched too much Red Dawn or had a soft spot for Cossacks he got Vostroyans and Valhallans.
Most of all he got Tanks and not just one tank, but buckets of tanks! Whatever little fantasy he had could come true, armored lines blowing holes in enemy formations. Valiant close combat battles where miracle dice roll holds the line. Epic spam of crappy guns turning the tide. Of course this only happened one out of ten times, but when it did he was ever more committed to the cause. He is the first 40k player to discover cosplay from dressing as a commissar to looking like these crazy blokes
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He was a truly committed player because without the Imperial Guard he might had been committed or swallowed by his mother’s basement which ever one came first.
Next time you see this guy just remember to tip your hat, because he is the original IG gangster. Just remember this IG player might be a friendly reminder from the hordes of power gamers that will undoubtedly squeeze ever last ounce of fun out of the Imperial Guard.
Today I am sad to report my prediction of the power gamers fun and wimsy sucking ability was greatly underestimated. As witness by me and many others at Adepticon last year the onslaught of cookie cutter Imperial Guard armies was particularly craptacular. Funny that none of them won any of the events. It will be interesting to see what this year’s Adepticon will hold in the army break downs.
My money is on Space Wolves what is yours? As always visit Blood of Kittens if you want wonderful insights into the very psyche that defines us as Wargamers. —-Yes that was sarcasm.
