40K: The (sad) State of the Imperium

Hey internet, Duke here to bring you a little silly-nonsense that my friend and I were cooking up the other day. You know how the fluff is supposed to be represented on the tabletop…

Normally in 40k we try to have the tabletop reflect what we read in the fluff.  You know what I mean, the wars for Armageddon, the Siege of Terra, Deimos Cursade, etc.  Well, what if we did the exact opposite? What would the fluff of 40k look like if the tabletop was the true representation? The following is the state of the Universe according to army attendance at Adepticon 2012.

• 0 233 999 M41: – Failure – After the 13th Black Crusade is ruled a failure by the Chaos gods Abbadon returns home to the Eye of Terror.   He throws a temper tantrum and doesn’t allow Chaos Space Marines to fight anywhere. Some of them don’t listen and steal clones of Abbadon to run amuck, those that do venture out are crushed quickly.

• 0 237 999 M41:  – They do what!? – Abbadon begins to hear tales of Grey Knights destroying entire populations of worlds who find out that they exist.  The evil-gears inside Abbadons brain begin turning, at first the idea comes slowly, but eventually it hits him… the 1st BLACK MARKETING CRUSADE!!!

• 0 238 999 M41:  – Greater mailer deamon – Abbadon heads deep into the Eye of Terror to seek out a rumored ‘greater mailing daemon.’  Once found he binds the Daemon to his will and instructs the mailing daemon to send out a mass marketing campaign through Email, Face(of the Emperor)Book, Astropath and Chirp! (acquired Twitter in M32).  This marketing goes to every single human in the universe.  The words are simple: “GREY KNIGHTS EXIST,” it then gives a brief description of the secretive chapter, and some tales of great deeds.  Abbadon now sits on his throne and waits for the Knights to make their move.

• 0 239 999 M41:  – Stay the secret, at all costs! – On Titan email-inbox-alarms begin sounding across the moon.  Soon a Chapter meeting is called and the Grandmasters decide unanimously that their secret must be covered up at all costs.  They bring the two ‘lost legions,’ out of hiding (who are nothing but Paladins and Purifiers) and begin their counter crusade.

• 0 245 999 M41: – The crusade grows – Upon hearing about the Grey Knights most protected secret being revealed the Sisters of Battle pledge their full support to the Knights and send detachments of Sisters to fight alongside their brothers in arms.  

• 0 250 999 M41: – True Allies – During one particular battle a small group of Knights discovers (Or perhaps just thinks it works) that putting SoB blood on their armor makes them better fighters, the Knights win the battle and thus decide that it was ‘the pure blood,’ of the sisters that made the difference.  A message is sent to the Grandmasters and ‘order 66,’ is issued.  All sisters attached to the Knights are killed, by their once allies, in a single act of betrayal.  

• 0 250 999 M41: – Hive fleet OUT! – The psychic shockwave that is generated from the entire SoB force perishing in a single moment causes the Tyranid Hivemind to run in terror, all Tyranid hive fleets make a  sharp U-turn and head for somewhere ‘less crazy’.

• ‘0 250-300 999 M41: – Worlds burn – The Space Marines are first, Ultramar is destroyed in a few days, the once proud 1st legion only continues through a handful of Deathwing, one army of Black Templars continues against all odds but eventually is ripped out by the Eldar.  Baal is heavily besieged and Imperial Guard units that are not inducted as henchmen to the Knights alliance become ‘melta-vets,’ and are fiercely hunted. This is a long and labor intensive action and takes a few weeks to make the IG nothing more than a memory of power, yet some hold strong but begin buckling.  Those guard units that join the Alliance have their platoons broken up and are re-made as 3 man squads with Razorbacks. The Forgeworlds work overtime to provide psycannon turrets for the vehicles, they even stop producing titans to feed the war machine with more psycannons!

• 0 255 999 M41: – Thunder Cats, HO! – The Great Companies of the Space Wolves and their ‘second foundlings,’ reform into the Space Wolves Legion.  They alone have the might to withstand the holy-alliance.

• 0 275 999 M41: – Awaken minions…No wait, go back to sleep – The Great War begins to awaken the Necron tomb worlds, at first they begin to defend their territories but are simply overwhelmed by the sheer power of the Alliance and decide it is better to sit this one out.  Like the other Xenos races in the galaxy some fight for their causes, but most ‘sit this one out.’

• 0 301-304 999 M41: – Help me Obi-wan-Tony – At the Battle of Adepticon, the Grey Knights finally land on Fenris and lay siege to the Fang,  after about 2 hours the Fang is destroyed and the last great Space Wolf general is defeated.  

• 0 305 999 M41 – The King is Dead, Long Live the King – With the Space Wolves now dealt with,  Draigo makes his way through the warp and appears in the Throne room of the Imperial Palace, the Custodes are no match for him (Cause they haven’t fought in 10k years). He kills the Emperor and takes his spot on the Golden Throne.  

• 0 365 999 M41 – Behold, the Grail! – The Emperor is reborn in the warp as a god he begins work on his new secret project: the 6th edition!  It is rumored to change the galaxy as we know it.

• 0 365 999 M41 – GLEE! – Abbadon laughs at the amazing success of his 1st Black Marketing Crusade.

There! Now you can feel perfectly good about the current state of Warhammer 40,000.  As always, you can make anything make sense with a bit of backstory… Your own rationalizations are welcome 🙂

Author: Guest Columnist

This article was written by a Guest Columnist who requested anonymity.