Why You Should Stop Being a Sissy and GO to Tournaments!
1.) It’s a way to prove your manhood! Since all tournament gamers either have small manly bits, didn’t make the sports team in High School, never got Daddy’s affection, or all of the above; the obvious and only way to prove how tough you are is by playing with toys in a competitive manner. If you don’t play to win all the time and by any means necessary (preferably cheating, that shows creativity!), you should be forced to wear a skirt in public and say your name is Sally. Unless your name is Sally, in which case it’s now Gertrude.
2.) You think playing for fun is for sissies! Fun is a word the weak use to describe playing to lose. A real gamer plays only to win and savors nothing so much as the tears of his humiliated opponent who subsequently quits the hobby and hopefully jumps in front of a bus for sucking so hard (that’s actually worth extra points in most tournaments).
3.) For the chicks! Tournament gamers get tons of chicks because they are all total ladies’ men or lots of dudes because they are totally sexy girls. If they aren’t playing with models on the table, then they’re playing with models off the table! In fact, the only thing they are better at than wooing the opposite sex (or same sex if that’s your thing!) is finding n00bs to crush in a game at the FLGS. Preferably if that n00b asks for a game for “fun.” That’s code for: “punish me; I’ve been bad and I deserve to be tabled by turn 2.”
4.) For the money! Tournaments are a way to make tons of loot and be awesome. Money is the third reason you should play in a tournament behind listening to the lamentations of your enemy and the raw sex appeal of being a winner, Charlie Sheen style. With that money, you have to buy Sex Panther cologne, the latest and greatest Net Lists from blue blogs, and Truck Balls for your whip (assuming, of course, that you already have spinner rims).
5.) For the Fame! Tourament Gamers are so awesome they make me want to pee my pants. I’m pretty sure competitive 40K will be on ESPN 8 (The Ocho!) pretty soon. Being famous for 40K is like at least a C level celebrity, maybe a C+ if you’re a total boss. Being famous is better than having real friends!
6.) You hate the Fluff! Fluff is something that should only occur on the set of an adult film, not in a hard boiled battle of egos! Only nerds read; a real gamer just looks at the pretty pictures and crunches numbers, finding the most efficient possible combinations with which to devastate his enemies! Or better yet, make one of those Fluffers run the numbers for you. Math sucks!
7.) You like ruining the hobby! Everyone knows that what happens at tournaments is the way everyone has to play (because we are so awesome, duh!) and as such, your actions at tournaments will have the added benefit of ruining the game for the weak-kneed mama’s boys who don’t play at tournaments! It’s like killing two birds with one stone. Actually, a real gamer kills like, at least three birds with one stone.
8.) You hate painting! Painting is for stinky hippies and liberals. A real tournament gamer only pays for his armies to be painted and then lies about it, taking all the credit! Tell the actual painter to go hug a tree if he gets mad about it and then kick him in the shin.
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| 40K Tournament Winnings well spent! |
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| Zardoz is the 40K Tournament ideal. You can only rock this hard after winning the BAO, NOVA, Adepticon, and Wargamescon in the same year. Boss mode! |
1.) If you lose, you have two options: Commit seppuku as your honor has been lost, or to flip out and kill people. The purpose of the tournament gamer is to flip out and kill people. My friend Mark said that he saw a Tournament Gamer totally uppercut a kid just because the kid opened a window. It’s all about Real,Ultimate Power.
2.) You have to play a power gamer list you copied from the internet. Those are like, obviously the best and if you want to make your own list, test it, fine tune it over time and with experience, you’re an idiot. That never works, just ask anyone who’s ever won a major GT…
3.) You have to pretend to be having fun at tournaments. Since the weaklings who don’t stand a chance of winning force sportsmanship scores on what should be the purest of competitions (competitive 40k, hurr!) you have to pretend to be having a great time spending a weekend drinking beers, chucking dice with like minded individuals while sharing a common love of the hobby.
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| A real 40K tournament champ doesn’t let anything get in the way of his enjoyment either! He also has a sweet stache like this guy (who I think won Beakycon last year!) |
Cya at the tourney tables – Reecius out!
