Imperium Stocking Stuffers (Humor)

2 Minute Read

Dec 20 2013

Can’t find the perfect holiday present for your favorite member of the Imperium this year? Well look no further–our reporters have been hard at work for decades, interviewing men, women and xenos from all reaches of the universe, and here are some of the best ideas they’ve come up with so far!

Penny, Imperial Citizen, 6 years of age — “I want a Dollsy Whatsit and a Dollsy Whatsit Dream House, a tea set for my Dollsy, the polished skull of the Tyranid that ate my father, and a new jump rope.”

Malek Antriomus, Imperial Scribe — “Pens. Just pens.”

PFC Henrik Samsa, 103rd Gore Harvesters — “Some new body armor–this chestplate still has my best friend’s bone fragments embedded in it from the last time we touched down on that death world. Was it Hubris VII or Hubris III? I honestly get those mixed up all the time.”

“And while I’m at it: how do I get out of this chicken-shit outfit?”

Voros, Tech-Priest — “The tradition of winter solstice-related gift giving is made obsolete when organic materials are removed from one’s physical makeup. Steps will be made to prevent future yuletide cheer from effecting efficiency. Processing…”

Sergeant Caz “Crash” Verbetta, Catachan Jungle Fighter — “Lho sticks, man. As many as’ll fit in this Cadian helmet…”

Galdorr, Khornate Beserker — “Dark voices… AAARGGHH THE NAILS!!! SWEET DARKNESS THE NAILS!!! BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!!”

“I WOULD ALSO LIKE A PONY!”

Turiso’on, Eldar Warlock — “One cannot be distracted from the Path by mere promises of earthly trinkets brought by a man in a red cloak–no matter how corpulent he may be!”

Vigid, Astropath — “I have heard many rumors of a thing known as a ‘paid day off’. I would very much like to experience this myth personally.”

Nameless Greenskin — “More dakka! And a Dollsy Whatsit!”

Sergei Gregori, Inquisitor — “Your belief in this holiday is a slap in the face of the Emperor himself. You have been found guilty of heresy, and will be cleansed through pain…”

##TRANSMISSION ENDED##

Phil Keeling is a comedian, writer, and gamer. He can be found at www.philkeeling.com and on Facebook. He occasionally says amusing things on Twitter. His various other nerd musings can be found at Notes From The Conquistadork.

What do you want under your Christmas tree citizen! Remember, to stare your name, Race, Position and request. These will be forwarded to the Inquisition immediately via Astropathic conveyance.

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Author: Guest Columnist

This article was written by a Guest Columnist who requested anonymity.

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