What If 40k Had 90’s Sitcom Intros?
We think Pimpcron has finally just lost it. . .
Well, I can’t possibly say what possessed me to write these, (Tzeentch I assume). But enjoy me being silly. Or don’t. You can lead a horse to a 90’s sitcom parody, but you can’t make him enjoy it.
Fresh Prince of Mars (Fresh Prince of Bel Air Theme)
Here is the real song in case you don’t remember how it goes.
https://youtu.be/3qHA366oRMs
Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute
An’ try not to bore
And tell you how I became a mindless Servi-tor
In north-west Mitria born and raised
In the Ag-fields was where I spent most of my days
Diggin and Shovelin for the Empire of Man
They’d take what I grew and put it in a can.
When a couple of guys, unearthed a daemonic clock
Started making trouble in my Hab-block
They called for Exterminatus and my mom said no
She said “I’m gonna smuggle you out, there’s a guy that I know”
I whistled for a shuttle and when it came near
The license plate said Mars, he had a mechanical ear!
Was this guy trustworthy, I just didn’t know
But as the bombs dropped I said, “Let’s go!”
I, pulled, up to the Mars about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the driver, “Thanks for saving me, mate!”
I looked at the red planet
I was safe from harm
Then they strapped me down and sawed off my arm.
“Khorne’ll Be There For You (Theme From Friends)”
A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM PIMPCRON. The following is a song about a fictional god in a fictional miniatures universe. This is not at all intended to be read by children or people who would take this as some sort of instruction to do nefarious things. This is meant to be silly.
Here is the real song in case you don’t remember how it goes.
So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your God Emperor’s a joke, your Hive City’s falling in decay
It’s like you’ve always lived your life in tears
When you finally start stab, and kill, and maime, I think that you’ll feel, that
Khorne’ll be there for you
(If the blood starts to pour)
Khorne’ll be there for you
(Can you hear his beastly roar?)
Khorne’ll be there for you
(If you slaughter some innocents too)
Before The Blood God, you were a victim of your fate
Now that you’ve let the rage in, your life is going great!
Your mother warned you there’d be gods like these
But she didn’t tell you when the world has brought you down to your knees, that
Khorne’ll be there for you
(Collecting skulls by the score)
Khorne’ll be there for you
(Just ignore Slaanesh, he’s a whore)
Khorne’ll be there for you
(Don’t forget to drink the blood too)
No one could ever kill me
No one could ever stop me
Seems Khorne’s the only one who knows what it’s like to be me
Someone to fight Grey Knights with, then kill all the rest with
Someone I’ll always laugh with
Even at my worst, I’m best with you, yeah!
Now that your with Khorne you don’t have any fear,
When you finally start stab, and kill, and maime, you know that you’ll feel, that
Khorne’ll be there for you
(Yes, smother yourself in gore)
Khorne’ll be there for you
(But he’ll always thrist for more)
Khorne’ll be there for you
(He’ll even mutate you too)
Khorne’ll be there for you
(Murder delights you to the core)
Khorne’ll be there for you
(Slaughter doesn’t have to be a chore)
Khorne’ll be there for you
(Cause you’ve killed for him too)
Saved By The Emperor (Saved By The Bell Theme)
Here is the real song in case you don’t remember how it goes.
When I wake up in the morning
and sirens give out a warning
and I say, “Oh shit here come some Tyranids”
By the time we all are hiding
and my kids have seen me crying
we look up just in time to see Astartes run by!
It’s alright, cuz I’m saved by the Emperor
When my brother grows a tail
and lets out a daemon wail
I just turn around and break into a run
hiding in my closet
I hear him take a bullet
from a silver painted Inquisition Bol-ter gun!
It’s alright, cuz I’m saved by the Emperor!
It’s alright ‘cuz I’m saved by the
It’s alright ‘cuz I’m saved by the
It’s alright ‘cuz I’m saved by the Emperor!
So what do you think? Funny? Crazy? Somewhere in between?
Want to witness my slow decent into madness, first-hand? Check out my blog at www.diceforthedicegod.com
