Side-Effects of Playing 40k
Pimpcron has a list of warnings for your health.
Hello Friend. I am your Unregistered Nurse for today: Pimpcron. I have noticed on your medical chart that you claim to self-medicate from the stresses of life with a narcotic called “Wargaming”. Its street names include “40k”, “Malifaux”, “Infifity” and many others. It isn’t illegal to use it without a prescription yet, but it does have side-effects. In moderation, this doesn’t prove to be too dangerous but I thought it would be best to be sure that you were aware of all of the risks involved with wargaming. When a friend or family member gets someone hooked on Wargaming, they often omit the negative sides of this addiction.
It Is Habit Forming
Wargames are a slippery slope. You start using it only a few times per month at first, and the next thing you know you’ve joined a group of other addicts and play several times a week. All other parts of your life may be neglected if you aren’t extremely careful.
Warning: If you experience an erection from Power-Gaming that lasts more than five hours, please consult a physician.
You Make Friends
Very similar to alcohol and other substances, wargaming can make you more gregarious and make it easier for you to talk to people you don’t know. More serious cases may even lead to friendship. While this is a nice thing at first, it makes quitting the addiction much harder if all of your friends still do it.
Pimpcron makes no promises as to how super your friends may be.
Warning: Successfully making a 6+ save may result in the loss of bladder control.
Time Loss
Many wargaming addicts encounter parts of their day missing from their memory, with no explanation. The only thing they have to show for it is new boxes of miniatures and no cash in their wallet. There is no real way to tell if someone you know is currently unconscious while buying new models, but be on the lookout. These spells often occur at or around the checkout counter at their local hobby store, or possibly on the “My Cart” page of websites. When questioned later by spouses, the victim can’t give any rational explanation of what happened.
Warning: Touching other people’s models without asking may be harmful to your health. You may experience punches to the face, groin, or abdomen.
Hoarding Compulsion
Many gamers buy more models than they can paint or play with and often times have to dedicate entire sections of their house to this hobby. Gamers are notorious for having stacks of model packaging while claiming to their spouse that “they can quit buying any time they want”. We all know this isn’t true.
A movie we all can relate to.
Gambling Addiction
Not gambling in the traditional sense, but equally serious. You’re gambling how much money you can secretly spend on Warhammer before you get served a divorce paper from your spouse or an eviction notice by your landlord. Be smart, bills come first.
Warning: You may experience Transmutation. Grown men have been known to turn into whiny little kids when things don’t go their way.
It Is Mind Altering
Many player experience stress relief while hobbying or playing this game. Some even laugh while playing even though they may have had a bad day at work. Others fly into fits of rage at poor dice rolls, or at the ridiculously low point cost of a Wraith Knight. Beware of this game changing your natural emotional balance.
“Dude, this Decurion Formation is the $&^%. I’m like, freaking out man.”
Mood Swings
Similar to altering the mind, many players have reported emotional highs from winning or depression from losing. Some people have been put into a bad mood for the rest of the night after they find out they have to play against Tau. Some successful dice roll will uplift you suddenly during a difficult game. Please remember that this is just a game and that it doesn’t reflect on you personally.
Warning: Tables have been reported to flip spontaneously right after a crucial 2+ roll has been failed. Personal injury may occur.
Now dear reader, if you will please take two D6 and call me in the morning.
A Note From Pimpcron: None of the above statements have been reviewed or verified by the FDA. Given that most of my ridiculous jokes are taken seriously by the internet, I figured I’d get out in front of this one from the start. And please don’t try to swallow two D6’s. And don’t call me either; I blocked you for a reason.
Any other suggestions for warnings new players should see?
Want to witness my slow descent into madness, first-hand? Check out my blog at www.diceforthedicegod.com
