The Secret Life of a 40k Blogger
Pimpcron exposes the industry secrets!
Don’t Be Fooled By The Glamour
I sit here on a white-sand beach typing this, sipping a root beer and being massaged by a native woman. The breeze is swaying the palm trees and I just gave away my brand-new Mercedes because it had over 500 miles on it. I’ll have my people get a fresh one in the morning. This might sound like the life, but believe me blogging about 40k isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. You might see me on the cover of a magazine leaving a hotel with some model, or being arrested for drunk driving with a touch of manslaughter and say to yourself , “Wow, how can I be more like the Pimpcron?”
This is the only literature I read.
Well, I have a question for you. Why would you want to own four pet Albino Jaguars, or light your cigarettes with ancient texts, or have orgies with pop stars in a hot air balloon? I mean, I might have two mansions, a belt of human skin, and selfies with the Illuminati, but those are just … things. You can’t let all of that blind you to the truth of the matter: 40K blogging is not for everyone.
First of All, You Have To Hate Yourself
Only someone who truly despises their own existence would bring themselves so low as to become a Warhammer blogger. I mean, you don’t have the legitimacy of a newspaper or news network behind you, and yet feel qualified to say things about stuff all the time. I mean, where do we come off? Who do we think we are? Blogging is just barely one step above He-Man fan-fiction erotica. And solely because 40k blogging generally contains fewer descriptions of Skeletor’s nipples.
What a tease.
Why should you hate yourself? Well for starters, there are the haters. No matter what you say about anything in 40k, somebody won’t like it. And that somebody will attack you with a ferocity that you haven’t seen since you back-talked yo mamma. They will take something that is completely benign and make it very personal. If you want to survive in this fast-paced blogging world, you have to develop develop skin so thick it would make a phlebotomist cry. Or do what I do and deal with all of the hate by having very low self-esteem.
Nearly every time I look in the mirror, I try to spit in my own face on impulse. So when people say mean things to me, I’m on their side. I suck. I’m overweight, covered in moles, have the voice of a little girl, and was last in line when God handed out private parts. So when someone hates on me, my first reaction is, “Yeah! You tell him!” Then they are confused. And then so am I.
When I take off my socks my toenails go – SNIKT!-
Be Opinionated
The average person has absolutely no idea how hard it is to write an original article on the same damn topic every single week. The good news is, I was born with the innate ability to instantly judge everything and form an opinion. I’m like an X-Man, but even lamer than Jubilee. My wife confuses me because she often doesn’t care either way about things. Where we eat, the paint scheme of a miniature, where we should mount a framed picture, etc. I on the other hand, instantly have an opinion.
What color is your shirt? Red? I love red. Green? Green is okay, but it’s like #5 on my list of favorite shirt colors. You don’t have a list? Well, if you were overly-opinionated you would. Next you’ll be telling me you don’t even have a list of favorite Barbie video games that were only released in Japan.
Oh, memories of my wasted youth. This RPG was the bee’s knees.
So when it comes to blogging, that’s all you need. An opinion. Luckily for me, I love 40k and am chock full of opinions on everything about it. Mandrakes are cool looking models but need to ditch the weird pants. I find the term “Dark Eldar” to be racist. I’m shocked that Tyranid Shrikes still exist in the codex being that they don’t make a non-Forgeworld model for them. Eldar are stupid. I think GW is secretly controlled by the Bush family. See? Opinions on everything. That’s how you need to be if you want to be a successful blogger.
Never stop never-stopping. If you want people to read your stuff, you have to keep putting stuff out and you have to stay relevant to their lives by saying relevant things. The blogs that only post once in a blue moon don’t keep a steady following.
Lastly, You Have To Be Entertaining
Nobody wants to sit there and read a boring blog that doesn’t entertain them, give them a chuckle, or at least inspire them. Find what little niche you are good at in the hobby and make a blog about that aspect. If you’re as funny as me, then stop lying. Nobody is as funny as me.
But if you are at least kind of funny, use humor. If you aren’t funny, then use memes or other funny things you find to add some humor to your topic. But don’t try to be what your not: I am not in any way a “competitive” gamer and play this game for fun casual or narrative games with my buds. You’ll never see me write an article about the latest net list or who did what at some tournament. It doesn’t interest me and I wouldn’t be good at blogging about it.
See? Unrelated photo someone else made to lighten the mood.
And remembr to profread your posts, using spelcheck whenever you can. Even though most blogs are quite informal in their format, grammar, and sentence structure, it shouldn’t be a license not to proofread. If you find any mistakes in my articles, I blame Larry. He put them in there to make me seem more fallible and likable to connect better with my readers.
HEY GUESS WHAT? Chicken Butt. “The Pimpcron” has created a Warhammer 40k/Wargaming Convention in December 2016. If you live in the Mid-Atlantic area of the U.S. you might want to come have fun with this crazy and adorable robot . . . Like us on Facebook for Updates HERE.
Want to witness my slow descent into madness, first-hand? Check out my blog at
www.diceforthedicegod.com
