40K: Signs You’ve Turned To Chaos
Pimpcron issues a public service announcement.
Well hi there strangers! The man that loves to be hated, Pimpcron, is here. And I am coming at you this week with a cautionary tale. It is an epic one filled with heartache, treachery, and maybe a daemon possession.
You Bought The Traitor Legions Book
So all of this started out innocent enough. I stopped playing Vanilla Marines back in 5th edition because they were so blah. I converted them all to Chaos and have been happy ever since. But this new Traitor Legions book has changed everything. The first couple times I looked through it, I kind of felt all tingly in my antenna (I’m a robot after all). I knew something strange was going on, but I wasn’t sure what. As the days passed on, I fell more and more in love with this book. It knew me; what I liked, what I disliked. The book picked me up when I was down, and made me feel good. It was a drug I just couldn’t stop. Things quickly became a Fifty Shades of Grey kind of situation where I’d meet with it at clandestine locations wearing a trench coat and speaking in hushed tones. My family couldn’t know how this book made me feel.
Just when you thought you’d seen it all. You’re welcome.
And it would allow my army to be anything I wanted it to be. It would do whatever I could think of, and even things I couldn’t think of. Suddenly my army was a contortionist; pliable and trim. As the days passed by, I began talking to the book.
Things Are Getting Weird
That’s when I began acting strangely (if you don’t count already having an affair with a book). I was quick to anger and am now tangled in a web of legal action against me. I punched a cashier at Walmart because Traitor Legions fell out of my coat and he asked if I needed to buy it. Instantly offended at him questioning my loyalty to the book right in front it, I hit him. My neighbor found me hiding in her bushes whispering to the book and asked what I was doing. So I threw a rock at her window and told her she now had other things to worry about.
I may have thrown more than one.
I also started developing a rash on my back.
You Start Talking To Daemons
It wasn’t until day five that Legion came to talk to me. I was shaving my face in the mirror one morning when the mirror went dark. Suddenly a horned purple face came through it, smiling. His name was Legion and he was the spirit of the book. We talked, laughed and discussed the best ways to flay a human. It was a bonding experience and we are now pen pals via Ouija board. The funny thing is, none of this struck me a strange. But then again Legion said he knew my old imaginary friend Morarch. Morarch was the one who convinced me to burn down an (empty) school bus when I was a kid. Good times.
My back started itching more and more; dry skin I imagine.
You Realize What Is Happening But Can’t Pull Away
So my back started itching to the point that I had to get my wife to apply lotion to it. Legion wasn’t happy that I involved her, but being a book, he wasn’t in much of a position to help me. When she saw my bare back in the bathroom, she screamed. I asked what was wrong and she told me I had an eight-pointed star rash on my back that was welting up. For some reason that’s when it all started adding up. I had a pretty nasty argument with the Traitor Legions book and the cops were called. When they picked up the book (presumably to put it in jail) my mascara started running and I screamed, “Don’t hurt him I love him!”
Too good of an image not to make. You’re welcome again.
The book was inexplicably wearing a white tank top under shirt, and smoking a cigarette. It scowled at me and told me all of this was my fault. I knew I couldn’t live without that book; I had to make a choice. So a snatched the book out of the officer’s hand and took off running. They didn’t even chase me because I was the one who called them, speaking in my small book-voice I use. They were pretty confused over the whole thing.
“Every week it’s something different with this Pimpcron guy. Last week he called us out here because I got in a fist fight with his hamster.”
“Week before that he said his macaroni was judging him.”
You Grow A Tentacle
So all of this has settled down now dear readers. Don’t worry about me. My life is back to normal and I’m happy to put all of that behind me. The Traitor Legions book and I live behind a mattress store now, and live off of scraps from the Panera Bread Restaurant nearby. You should try their Wild Rice soup, it’s pretty good. Admittedly it’s probably better when it’s hot and not being scooped out of the bottom of a paper bag from a dumpster. Oh, and I grew a tentacle. At first it took some getting used to, but it does come in handy when turning the pages of my Traitor Legions book. Also, it’s my wiping tentacle because it grew out of that nasty chaos rash on my back.
So What Are The Signs You’ve Turned To Chaos?
