Pimpcron’s Guide To Winning Every 40k Battle
Pimpcron knows this one weird trick that doctor’s don’t want you to see!
Hey guys. I, the Pimpcron, have insurance companies fuming and drivers in your area cheering! And after that, you’ll be shocked when I tell you which president had the highest IQ. Then I’ll treat you to a list of attractive singles in your area. Finally, we’ll trim some belly fat together.
Seriously though, I’m sure you’re just like me and winning is everything. I’m not in this hobby for painting stupid models or building friendships. I have a really sad and unfulfilling life and I really only get my jollies from smashing faces in on the 40k battle board. Nobody really wants to play me anymore in our gaming group, but it’s just because they are weak.
And with all of the belly fat we trim, we’ll craft a neat
handbag just in time for Mother’s day!
As they say, it’s lonely at the top and I am an adrenaline-fueled, Macho-Man Alpha Male 40k Predator. I don’t blame them for being jealous, I just blame them because they don’t win all the time. If I’m being honest, winning a game of 40k makes me forget how bad my childhood was for a moment. The feeling of beating some lame idiot in this game sends a pure injection of excitement straight to the crotch. Suit up and let’s learn how to make heads roll.
Dice Manipulation
In this game, dice are everything. I like using them, but hate how random they can be. I mean, double 1’s for a charge roll but turn right around and roll double 6’s for Leadership? Come on. You can’t expect a serious player to rely on something so unreliable. Here’s how you make them work for you.
A Dice Tower: I’m sure you’ve seen them before; they are a tower that your throw dice in, they jumble around and spill out in a tray. Buy or a make a dice tower and then line the bottom of the tray with a magnetic sheet of metal. Then drill out the 1’s of your dice and insert tiny rare earth magnets in the pips. I’ve found that the momentum of the dice rolling doesn’t allow the dice to immediately grab on the metal, but it definitely makes 6’s appear about 20% more of the time. I’ve been using one for years for this exact reason and it has greatly improved my rolling.
His secrets revealed! No wonder he always rolls 6’s!
Speaking of dice rolling, here are few tricks for fixing those crappy rolls even better. When playing that poor, stupid, trusting fluffy player be sure to set your dice tower off to the side That way, any dice that don’t roll quite as good as they should can be quickly picked up and maybe you just add an extra success or two before he gets a chance to see them.
Also, you should pretend that you don’t know your codex very well, because adding an extra strength point here or a small special rule there can really up your game. Now, I can hear some of you scoffing at this and maybe even calling it “cheating” but that is a lame person’s word for a smarter person’s actions. This is a WAR game. And there are no rules in war. I mean, do you think the military will ever decide that some things are too mean to do in war? There has never been any sort of convention made where they define what is acceptable in war and this game is no different. Bring you’re a-game or be prepared to lose.
Do you even lift? I’ve been lifting my head for days now.
Tape Measure Fixes
Ever hate how limiting your tape measure can be? It drives me crazy when something is just out of my reach. My chapter of Space Marines actually moves faster because of some stupid thing I thought up and that’s my fluff reason for them always moving 7-8 inches when nobody is looking. They are sneaky like that; and before you roll your eyes, I modeled them running. Here’s how to be really sly. Go buy an Engineer’s tape measure (it’s split into 10ths not 12ths.) That way you can move your model to the six on the tape, and nobody is the wiser. See? The sissy casuals would never think of that! And that’s when you crush their soul and beat their army like a real man.
And finally, when measuring make sure the tape is facing you so they can’t see exactly how far you went. So not only are you using your extended-range tape measure to full effect, you’re also going farther than that.
So now you’ve graduated from Pimpcron’s Hard Knocks University and you’re ready face any challenge given to you with confidence. You now have the tools needed to never get your feelings hurt again over this game. Too many times you’ve treated this hobby like a game when you should have been treating it like war. When your gaming group begs and pleads for the old you to come back, you just tell them that you’ve evolved.
Now obviously never use these satirical techniques in public.
~What is the craziest move you ever saw a player try to pull on you at a tabletop?
