Pimpcron: Dating Is Like 40k
Pimpcron is the king of analogies.
Howdy folks! It’s your favorite part of the day. That special time when the Pimp comes out of his hidey-hole and tosses you a new article! This week I want to give you some dating advice the only way I can understand it.
Dating is a lot like 40k. Hear me out, people.
You’ve got two opposing factions who are occupying the same area, and pretty much everyone starts out as Allies of Convenience. You each have your secret objectives; one of you might be trying to score, while the other may just want a fun narrative game. Ya know, nothing too serious just for fun.
You both come to the game with your own lists made of all of your various personality units that were largely put together by your parents when they were raising you. Though life experience has probably made you swap out a unit or two for something that may be a bit more useful. Like when you don’t know your opponent very well, you may want to keep your Power From Pain or your Red Thirst a secret until you know them better. But when finding a mate to play the Tournament of Life with, it can really be the roll of a dice. It’s like their list is one way on the paper, but when you get to know them better, you’re like, “I had no idea your Grot had two Power Klaws in that unit”.
Shhh. I’m hunting for love.
You guys go on a couple missions, and hopefully you score enough victory points that your opponent wants a rematch. Slowly over the course of many missions, your Force Orgs start merging and you stop hanging out with your Battle Brothers as much. You hardly even hit the Hive Cities anymore for some Amasec. All you want to do is joint-operations in the theatre of love.
There Are Always Surprises
People can really surprise you though, and the longer you are with them, the more the cracks in their ceramite start to show. They might seem at first like they Shall Know No Fear, but if you stay with them long enough, you’ll eventually find their emotional Rear Armor. Some people seem like they’re all Battle Forged and orderly when you first start dating them, but after a while you realize they are an Icon of Excess. You take a look at their apartment after they stop trying to impress you and you’re astonished. “You have a Plague Fly Colony in here!”
“What’s wrong with that?”
That’s commonly when you have Rended their ego, and here comes the Furious Charge. They’ll claim that they have been busy praising the Emperor and haven’t had time to Purge the Unclean. And you are one to talk, you never Look Out Sir when the laundry needs doing; they always have to take the hit. And the Dedicated Transport is 1,500 miles past due for an oil change, but you never take it to the Mechanicum. Your partner claims that their work has simply been Chaos Undivided lately, and you never help with the Greater Good of the household.
You say that they haven’t walked the Squig in weeks, and that your work has basically been Mob Rule for the last couple weeks. You claim that your partner is no Savior of Mankind, but often more like a Scavvy. This type of fighting goes on and on for nearly a Millenium, and it seems like there will be no peace, no respite, and there is only un-ending war.
Maybe There Isn’t Only War
But no, this Age of Strife will eventually stop and the two of you will unify your hearts under the Codex of Love. Relationships can be a tumultuous plane of existence, rife with Warp Storms, and sometimes even your Daemons get brought out. But ultimately you will find the right person to found your Chapter with. And soon enough you might even hear the pitter patter of little Nurglings running around.
So you see, dating is more than just Predators and Howling Banshees battling it out, and sometimes you’ll lose a game or two. Sure, you’ll run into your fair share of Chimeras that change their form to be what they’re not for a time. And some will even Poison you or deal Mortal Wounds, while others may just be too Unwieldy. Not every player is worth playing, and even though you may feel bad when someone leaves your table, don’t sweat it.
There’s always more Devilfish in the sea.
“That guy right there with the pimp hat! Bad jokes are punishable by death! Fire at will!”
Here’s a fun fact, in real life I exclusively talk in metaphor. Most people don’t know that. I actually have to go through my articles and edit them to not be elusory. I hope some of this sage advice, put in a way you can understand it, will help you. Go forth and spread the Geneseed.
