Humor: X-Wing Scientific Law
ChahDresh puts X-Wing under a microscope– albeit a microscope that’s murky as a Dagobah swamp.
In our ongoing attempts to fully understand the game of X-Wing, I believe in the value of a mathematical approach (as you know full well). I also believe in a scientific approach, as it turns out. In that vein, I present: The Scientific Laws of X-Wing (note: not based on any science at all). Some of these might seem familiar, adapted as they are from more familiar scientific laws. Others… not so much.
LAW OF GRAVITATIONAL ATTRACTION
The more desperate you are to avoid a bump, the more likely you are to fly into one.
FIRST CORALLARY
The inverse of this Law is also true, i.e. the more desperate you are to force a bump, the less likely you are to land it.
SECOND CORALLARY
The smaller an asteroid is, the more likely you are to run into it.
LAW OF CONSERVATION OF ENERGY
It takes the same amount of mental energy to set dials for your whole squadron in the early game as it does to set the dial for your one survivor in the endgame.
LAW OF CONSERVATION OF MASS
TIE Swarms never go out of style. [Law downgraded to hypothesis, pending revision]
LAW OF CONSERVATION OF ANGULAR MOMENTUM
Once you start 2-turning, you realize you can never stop…
SECOND LAW OF X-WING THERMODYNAMICS
The disorder of any formation can only increase as the game goes on. When it breaks, it stays broken.
FIRST CORALLARY
There is no First Law of X-Wing Thermodynamics.
LAW OF CARDIAC RESILIENCE, FIRST LAW OF X-WING PHYSIOLOGY
There is no anatomical limit to how much stress a pilot can withstand.
LAW OF XENOBOTANICAL IMPERVIOSITY
You can build tough combat spaceships out of trees… as long as they’re alien trees.
LAW OF REFUSE PERCEPTION, FIRST LAW OF X-WING OPTICS
One ship’s trash is another ship’s treasure.
LAW OF UPGRADE PROBABILITY, FIRST LAW OF X-WING MATHEMATICS
There is no relationship between the quality of a ship on the tabletop and the quality of the upgrades packaged with it.
THE “STARVIPER LAW”, SECOND LAW OF X-WING OPTICS
There is no relationship between the quality of a ship on the tabletop and how sweet it looks.
FIRST CORALLARY There is no ship so bad it can’t be fixed with the right title.
Exhibit C… we hope.
LAW OF ASYMPTOTICAL TORPEDOES, SECOND LAW OF X-WING MATHEMATICS
As your X-Wing collection grows, the number of Proton Torpedoes in your collection approaches infinity.
LAW OF DISINTEGRATION
Destroyed ships leave behind no wreckage and their explosions are entirely confined to their own hulls.
LAW OF CINEMATIC TRANSFERENCE
No character to appear in a movie is too trivial to get their own X-Wing card.
FIRST CORALLARY
This also applies to ships.
LAW OF FOCUS
The number of eyeball results you roll is inversely proportional to the number of focus tokens you have.
FIRST CORALLARY
Not really.
LAW OF MULTI-CONTINUITY NON-INTERFERENCE
The only place where the Legends tales can comingle with current canon is the X-Wing Miniatures Game.
LAW OF SABINE WREN
Sabine Wren.
LAW OF INCONSTANT MOMENTUM
In Star Wars space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.
FIRST CORALLARY
Ion weapons slow you down because they turn your engines off and your momentum goes away.
LAW OF MATHEMATICAL UNRELIABILITY
Whenever you go to apply the Rule of Eleven, you will suddenly and violently lose the ability to add small numbers.
LAW OF CHRONOMATIC FIXATION, THIRD LAW OF X-WING OPTICS
The [ship name]’s dial would be so much better if it just had a little bit more green…
LAW OF BUDGETING, FIRST LAW OF X-WING ECONOMICS
To calculate the amount of money a player wants to spend on new X-Wing ships, take the amount of money in his bank account and multiply by one.
LAW OF INEXPLICABLE AVERSION
FFG hates your favorite ship.
~Which one’s your favorite?
ChahDresh is an amateur writer and an even more amateurish X-Wing player. “Discovered” any scientific laws for X-Wing? Share them in the comments below.
