Pimpcron: If 40k Had Sports Commentators
Pimpcron hosts coverage of your favorite pastime.
[Football music plays]
Well hello there, wargaming fans! The Pimpcron is back this week with a special guest, Johnicus Maddenius. We’re coming at you from sunny Sussex County Delaware, where the chickens outnumber the people. How are you tonight, Johnicus?
[Johnicus] Hey there wargamers! It’s great to be here, watching some great tabletop action. We’ve got a great game for you tonight. Necrons versus Tau.
P: This should be good John, they are both nasty.
J: Sure are Pimpcron. But it’s really hard to match the sheer durability of the Necrons. Let’s take a look at the forces. On the Tau side we have a bunch of these little guys with big rifles and weird feet. They are riding some sort of air boats and are being followed by these horrible looking mech-suit dudes.
P: Not familiar with Tau, John?
J: And on the other side, it’s just metal. Tons of metal skeletons. And they have guns! This is kind of nuts.
P: Well they’ve started the game. And we’ve got the roll off! At this point in the game, we have to really get into the player’s head to see what his goal is. He is trying to roll HIGHER than his opponent, not lower. While there are many strategies to this, one could say it’s just luck in the end.
J: Absolutely Mr. Cron, these dice can be unpredictable and fickle bed fellows. I blow on mine before rolling, it seems to work.
P: I place my dice entirely in my mouth before rolling. I feel that the saliva really lubricates them on the table.
J: Well, the armies are deployed and we are ready for the Seize the Initiative. And he’s rolling … DEAR GOD! HE DID IT! HE ROLLED A SIX!
P: I did NOT see that coming John! The fans are going crazy. This is the first upset of the game and changes the whole dynamic of how it will flow. You see, he was going to go second in the game round, now he goes FIRST. There’s no way to know how unlikely that roll was, but he pulled it off! It’s a good day to be a wargaming fan, John.
J: Wow! Now we start the first turn, and I feel like we have to psycho-analyze these players to find out what their goals are. The Necron player will be implacably advancing while shooting a lot; their durability keeping them alive. Meanwhile the Tau player is better suited to staying near other units, not necessarily clustered, but close. And they won’t take their finger off those triggers.
P: While all of that is true, they also have similar goals as well. They both want to use their strengths to score MORE victory points than their opponent. A lot of people get that confused. This isn’t golf, the lower score does NOT win. That is often a rookie mistake.
J: Yes, on my first tournament circuit, I stumbled through it trying to score fewer points than my opponents.
P: Ouch! It’s an easy mistake to make John. But on topics like that we’d have to refer to the Main Rule Book.
J: Yes Pimp, but I am functionally illiterate. So I would just use the pictures to learn the rules.
P: A common problem as well. Did you start in geekdom playing Magic? I find many Magic players to be illiterate and … unsmartly.
J: Yeah, I started in Magic. Well that’s First Blood! And we’ve got points on the board at the bottom of turn 1. At this juncture, the Tau player is down by one, what do you think he’s thinking Cron?
P: I’d say that he will be changing his plans a bit. Assaulting with Fire Warriors may not have had the outcome he’d imagined. They bounced off and died. You see, when you are making decisions in this game, you have to weigh the options and make the best choice.
J: I couldn’t have said it better myself. Instead of shooting, he decided to assault the Lychguard. Not the smartest move. I’ve found that in this game, you have to look at your strengths AND weaknesses and see how they match up against your opponent’s strengths and weaknesses. Just look at the Lychguard. They are clearly equipped for melee with their Swords and Boards. The Tau didn’t stand a chance. Meanwhile, have you seen the size of the gun on those Fire Warriors? Shooting was probably the best option.
P: Agreed. Let’s go to a quick commercial break, and we will be back with some more exciting Wargaming action!
[ads play about beer, cars, and power tools.]
P: Aaannnddd we’re back! After our short 2-hour commercial break, the game is over now and the Tau player was able to pull off a minor victory of 6-5. The whole game changed for him when he started shooting and stopped assaulting with those little Fire Warriors John.
J: Yes it did, Pimpcron. Yes it did. A good lesson for all of us to learn. If they appear to have a big gun, just shoot. Thanks for watching, and we will see you next time on Wednesday Night Warhammer!!!
So in short: Over-explanation of simple concepts, nonsense side banter, tons of commercials, and surprise at things even idiots know.
Did I miss something?
