Pimpcron: How a Gamer Legend Was Born
Pimpcron is known for telling the truth, so you know his origin story is gospel.
Hello my acolytes, today is the day you’ve been waiting for. The day that the origins of The Pimpcron are revealed! [thunder clap and organ playing in background] Mark this day as the time when your life was finally fulfilled, your existence finally made whole.
Pimpcron: Age 7 days
Humble Beginnings
The Pimpcron was born in the decade most humans refer to as “the 80’s”, a dark time full of denim and hair spray. The miracle of his birthing event occurred in his parents’ privately owned hospital which was perched on the top of Mount Olympus. Nurses who were interviewed describe a bright beam of light emitting from his mother mere moments before he emerged in a pelvic explosion of holy energy. Floating and glistening, the new born Pimpcron touched a nurse and she immediately had visions of Warhammer 40k articles, a large bell, and cheering fans. At the moment, nobody knew what that meant, but soon the truth would become clear.
Never one for bragging or showmanship, Pimpcron was the most humble child anyone had ever seen despite his amazing abilities. He learned to write at age two, but later abandoned sacred Latin for American English. Within a month of turning five he passed the driver’s course and received his license. Pimpcron immediately bought a Lamborghini with the funds he had made by starting a Ponzi scheme a year earlier. He invented no less than four types of math while bored at a bus stop at age six. Two of those disciplines have yet to be discovered by the human race. The Pimpcron has vowed never to meddle in the affairs of lesser races, it would upset the normal balance of things.
Pimpcron: Age 10
Natural Talent
A natural strategist, he produced an FAQ and errata for Chess before the age of ten. When a being such as he is in possession of such raw charisma and other-worldly charm, it can cause conflict. In middle school he was bullied by the Vice Principal shortly after Pimpcron was hired to the Principal position by popular demand. Some sources say that it is because there were hard feelings, being that the Vice Principal was the former Principal whom Cron replaced. Pimpcron was the first person to be voted both Prom King and Prom Queen, creating a new title of Prom Paragon. He has been voted to that position every year since, despite being out of high school for over a decade.
In his early twenties, he was bullied by the Lieutenant Governor shortly after Pimpcron was hired to the Governor’s position by popular demand. Some sources say that it is because there were hard feelings, being that the Lieutenant Governor was the former Governor whom Cron replaced. Even while dealing with wedgies and spit balls from the Lieutenant Governor, he yearned for something else. Something with six-sided dice and maybe Orks, unfortunately for our hero he had not yet discovered his path.
Pimpcron: Age 21
The Gaming Flashpoint
Despite performing miracles and solving many of humanity’s problems single-handedly, he found himself alone. Not physically alone due to the sea of cheering fans and adoring admirers, but emotionally alone. A truly unique being, he found it hard to connect to others. He had discovered that his vast innate knowledge of existence made life boring and predictable. That’s when the Pimpcron found himself drawn to the chaos of dice games. Finally, something that wasn’t as predictable as the Stock Market, e-currency, or epidemiology.
He quickly pored through hundreds of rulebook pages, eager to escape his boring reality. Instantly learning and conquering game after game, he could feel in his soul that there was a game out there just for him. Finally one day, he was exposed to the game Warhammer 40k as much as it was exposed to him. The grimdark, the models, and the CHAOS of the dice poured sweet joy into his soul. He spent 93 uninterrupted hours diving into every single sacred text he could. With his unprecedented reading speed of 100 pages per hour with full-recall, he quickly fell in love.
Pimpcron: Present day (with his backup singers)
A Star is Born
That’s when tragedy struck for the innocent Pimpcron. After playing his first 112 straight wins with no losses, he was banned from entering any organized events by the Supreme Court through a class-action lawsuit. Even the devotion the players had for him couldn’t stay their jealousy, he was unbeatable. By law he was only legally allowed to play casual games (which he still excelled at). Heart-broken but still in love with Warhammer, he re-directed his immense creative power towards the popular website Bell of Lost Souls. You can find his sacred teachings every week, where you will sip the humorous yet compelling nectar of the Pimpcron from his narrative chalice.
It should warm your heart to know that it is you who the Pimpcron envies. He can think of no sweeter experience than to be one of the unwashed throng of readers, eagerly consuming his priceless works of word each week. No, they are truly works of art.
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Pimpcron’s Warhammer Convention
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