Pimpcron: How Our Family Sees Warhammer
Pimcron has returned to shine some light on how our hobby is seen through other’s eyes.
The Hobby
If you are interested in getting into this game there are several things you will need to get started. First off, you will need a codex and the rulebook for the main rules. Both of these can be purchased for about half of a grocery bill. In these books you will find lots of statistics, charts, and other things that help bring the strange back story of this game alive. After spending a great deal of money and time learning all of the information in these books that will have no bearing on any other facet of your life, it’s time to buy your toys.
Pictured: Some sort of angry tomato I guess.
These toys are tiny plastic people with tiny plastic weapons. They are not articulated and they do not come assembled or painted. We are responsible for doing most of the manufacturers work in making these models. It’s kind of like if you ordered a meal at a restaurant and they gave you a plate of raw food that you had to prepare and cook yourself.
The Lore
These different factions of toy people are all slightly different but basically the same. You have the elves, the space clowns, the well-armored angry boys, and of course the T-100 army. If you dare to waste your time reading one of these books you will find that all of these toy people are vaguely angry at all of the other toy people. One might think that being a toy person would bring joy but unfortunately that is not the case. There are clever ways that they hook you into playing this game, such as appealing to your immaturity, and appealing to the urge to make pew pew sounds. Nearly all wargamers have an urge to avoid doing any sort of productive household work in favor of assembling their own toys and painting them like chumps.
Starting Out
In order to get started with your army, you will need to spend at least one electric bill in order to have a small force to play with. Once you have that, you will have to spend dozens of loads-of-laundry time assembling and painting these toys. Another clever facet of how this game sinks its claws into you, is that the book that you bought says that there are differences between the different toy people. Although these toys basically all look the same and are nearly indistinguishable, the game company has differentiated them with different arbitrary rules in how they operate. This keeps you buying more and more units due to your urge to play the same models in different ways.
They cleverly entice their players with nice pictures painted by a professional. No real human paints this well.
The goal of this game is to avoid spending any quality time with your family or friends. Another facet of this game is hoarding because all players eventually accumulate a lot of stuff that just lies around the house taking up space. Eventually, when you have spent many, many lawn mowings-worth of time and the gross domestic product of a small country, you are ready to play this game.
This Is All A Ruse
With so many rolls and different units it is unclear if anybody truly knows how to play but people roll lots of dice and eventually declare a winner when one player gives up. When asked about the scoring system, there seems to be a lot of confusion. Some “players” claim that points are scored at the end of each turn depending on how many poker chips your toys are near. Others say the end of the game is where poker chip points are counted. Still more people claim that you only score points by convincing your opponent to remove their toys from your pew pew noises.
This is how all the gamers are behind closed doors, but with lower thread count and more BO.
If you ask how the mechanics of the alleged game works, you will be walked through such a long and convoluted series of dice rolling that it is clear that there are no real rules. Our best guess is that this is a sort of private club for nerds who like tiny people, where they can argue if one guy’s space clown can beat the other player’s fish person. They have found a pastime so incredibly boring and silly that nobody else will ever want to join, leaving them free to avoid making real connections with the people around them. Our conclusion is that your marriage is in serious trouble if your spouse begins claiming to play this game. It should be treated as an early warning sign that your relationship is on the rocks.
Have any of you actually played this game?
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Pimpcron’s Warhammer Convention
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