Pimpcron: Shows on The Future Warhammer Channel
Everybody! This week I want to turn on my patented Futurevision and show you a glimpse of the future of television.
We can all agree that Warhammer is slowly entering the general consciousness. From Monopoly to themed sneakers, Warhammer is getting out there. I just came back from vacation in the year 2045 and wanted to share something with you. In the future we have the Warhammer Channel on basic cable. Here’s the all-star line up of shows!
Paint BETTER!
Hell’s Studio
Professional painter, Luke Smeggles, puts new prospective miniature painters through the wringer as they compete for a chance to join a painting studio. Each episode will include 5 painting contestants that are each given a miniature and random materials to paint with. They are given very little time to paint and the host nerates them the entire time. Your heart will be touched as you see grown adults cry while the host screams at them. Critiques like “you forgot to water down the ketchup for two thin coats!” and “That lipstick is the wrong shade to be used for basing!”.
Bits Tank
A panel of Games Workshop executives see contestant after contestant of kit bashers and they pick them apart. The miniatures that have been made using bits from Games Workshop models. The contestants are competing for a chance to join the GW design team and make it to the big time. These judges don’t hold back and the personalities clash! It’s all very gripping, I assure you. This season finale had a contestant disceetly slip in a 3rd-party bit and one of the judges lunged across the table at him.
Dora the Inquisitora
Follow Imperial Inquisitor Dora and her Jokaero friend, Boots, as they purge heretics and make friends. Popular phrases from the show include “Do you see the filthy heretic? You do!? Point at the filthy heretic!”. Or when their antagonist Bloodletter comes around to steal blood, they make you yell “Letter no letting! Letter no letting!” until he goes away. The show helps kids learn their colors, ABCs, numbers, and how to identify enemies of the Imperium.
Xenos Babies
A group of infant Xenos live in a nursery and use their imagination to make friendships and go on adventures. Occasionally an Adeptus Sororitas named Nanny will come in and give them food or something. The show’s cast includes a humble green Ork, and silly blue-skinned Tau, a bossy female Ogryn who is in love with the Ork, and a joke-telling Chaos Beastman.
I Love Bruisey
The show follows an Ork wearing a red wig and trying to fit into human life. It’s married to a bandleader at a nightclub and Bruisey is always getting into shenanigans. There are tons of iconic episodes, like when Bruisey got a job trying to film a Vitamin commercial with disastrous results. Bruisey’s best friend lives in their hab block and often helps in the crazy goings-on. The famous catch phrase when Bruisey’s husband gets mad is, “Bruisey! You have some es’plaining to do!” and Bruisey looks at the camera and whines, “Waaagh!” while the audience just eats it up.
Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!
The Imperium’s Court
The people of the Imperium come before their regional court to argue and air their grievances. The judge makes them look stupid, and you will laugh at them. This show highlights just how stupid people can be and often devolves into nonsense. Like, “I’m suing this hive ganger for stealing the drugs I was gonna sell!”. And you can’t forget, “I agreed to pay him back for the money I borrowed, I didn’t say I would pay him back with money though. I repaid him with an equivalent market value of string cheese.”
Game of Drones
A Tau-centric show based in primitive Tau-Prime where several Tau families vie for political power. It’s really gory and there’s lots of nudity. I mean, like lots of nudity. You probably don’t understand how much full frontal I mean when I say that you get to see more blue privates than you would dare to imagine. It’s like a sushi market in each episode, but the meat is still attached to the people. “In the Game of Drones, you either win, or you … don’t. We’re not good at melee, so we don’t try.”
I hope you are excited over all of these programs. It’s a real good lineup they have over there in the future. Some of it seems a bit derivative, but I guess there are no new ideas, huh? Anyway, it’s fun for the whole family and it’s all must-see TV.
What shows do you want to see on here?
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