Pimpcron: The Warhammer Score Handicap System

5 Minute Read

Jul 27 2019

Pimpcron has a brand-new way to balance your games!

Alright, I’m here, you’re here, let’s do this thing. This is a glob of text that has spilled out of my fingers and now your eyes will lap it up eagerly. I have carefully chosen these patterns of letters and spaces and configured them in a way that you will both understand and enjoy. The only requirements for reading this article is an internet-connected device, eye balls, and at least as loose a grasp of written English as I have.

What was this going to be about again? Hold on, it’s right on the tip of my tongue.

Handicaps, they’re not just for golf anymore!

We Are All Different

As if I need to tell you this, but players of Warhammer land in a wide spectrum of skill levels and talents. So is a point system really fair to judge a player’s abilities? Well America’s lamest sport, Golf, has the answer. They’ve been fudging scores for decades(?) and they aren’t even ashamed. It’s high time we do the same for this hobby, but maybe we leave the polo shirts and stupid shoes on the greens.

Ever played a game that felt like this?

Here’s Pimpcron’s Standard Handicap System

Once you have your mission selected and the objectives laid out, figure out how many points are possible to score. Let’s say 3 objectives, scoring at the end of the game, plus First Strike, Slay the Warlord, and Linebreaker. A total of 12 points. It can be assumed that a competent player will score an average of 75% of possible points in a game. Average players will score half of the available points (that would be 6, for those of you who slept through math class). Poor/Inexperienced players will score 25% of the possible points (3). This is from a decade of field research in which I played roughly 70 times a year and continue to do so. I have played lots of different people and this seems to be the rule. Science!

Now you have to figure out which one you are and apply the appropriate points to your score ahead of time to make them fit into the average category. If you are skilled, you start with -3 Victory Points, if you suck you start with +3 VPs. Voila!

Advanced (Way Better) Handicap System

You take the number of games you play per year and multiply by the percentage of wins you have in that year. Then you take that number and write it down. Purchase and reference our Pimpcron’s Best Handicap System book found wherever books are sold and/or pirated. On page 23 you’ll find a chart with all of the Warhammer 40k and Age of Sigmar armies and their “OP Factor”. This modifier is scientifically formulated from the last year’s major GT results. Multiply that modifier that your army gets by the first number you figured out.

Then you have your Player Score. Take you Player Score and apply the following effects: Add 2 for every time you’ve tabled an opponent in the last year. Add 1.25 for every time you could have tabled someone but didn’t out of respect/pity. Divide it by one if you are already lost in the math. Subtract 7 for each time you forgot to grab an objective because you weren’t paying attention and divide by 1.098 for each game where you made a list right before the game. Now you’ve arrived at your Weighted Player Score.

Now you’re ready to fine-tune your Warhammer Player Handicap Score. No wait, before you do that you shouldn’t subtract 7 like I said earlier, I think its supposed to be subtract 6. Man, this is getting complicated. Now you’re all reading this and I’m getting embarrassed. Let’s backtrack. Oh I remember now, you are supposed to divide by 1.096 BEFORE you subtract 7 for each time your forgot to grab an objective because you weren’t paying attention. Not after.

Okay, we’re back on track now.

Now you are at your Weighted Player Score. From here we find the HTML code for the main color of our army and add that to your score, but don’t add it if the number has more than two 3’s in it. If you’re army is not painted, just use white as your main color. Well crap, then unpainted armies and white painted armies will have the same code. OH NO! I told you to divide by 1.096 in the paragraph above! It was supposed to be divided by 1.098.