Pimpcron: Miniature Wargaming is a Secret Government Program
Pimpcron is gonna drop some truth on you sheeple.
Hey everyone! This week I have some required gear for reading this article. Before you begin reading you’ll need the following things to be sure you are protected.
- 50 mil polyester rain jacket to protect you from harmful cell phone waves.
- Ear buds to block out the subspace waves they have been transmitting directly into your brain.
- Hand Sanitizer because that’s always good to have. Gotta be germ conscious.
- Tin foil for your feet, tin foil hats are a common misconception spread by the bourgeoisie
Now that you’ve got all of that ready, let’s dive into this mind blowing revelation. Thanks to the Freedom of Information Act, I was able to get my hands on some formerly classified government documents regarding our nefarious hobby.
The Document
I received a stack of 250 pages of material in the mail after waiting fifteen months for a reply. It has taken me quite some time to read through and assess the information. The following information are excerpts from the documents, a transcript of the planning process between agent Johnson and a board of his superiors. The date has been crossed out, but I believe that this took place in the mid 1980’s.
[Agent Johnson] As you can see on this presentation slide, our efforts to keep the masses suppressed is working wonderfully. They are fighting amongst themselves and not paying attention to what we are doing. Television and our other programs are working wonderfully.
[chorus of maniacal laughter erupts] [lightning strikes outside]
[Agent Johnson] The problem is, we are missing a key demographic. Middle class men and women from their mid-twenties to fifties aren’t addicted to anything. We’ve learned that addiction is a key component in keeping the population complacent. Currently they are all walking around with plenty of free time to think about the world and about their government.
[audible gasps from the audience]
[Agent P from the crowd] Enough with the prologue, what’s your plan.
[Agent Johnson] Okay sir, my plan is to get these people addicted to plastic.
[scoffs from crowd]
[Agent Johnson] What I mean is, we need to shape plastic into something small and adorable that is collectable.
[Agent F from crowd] We already control cartoons and the toy industry, that has no bearing on adults.
[Agent Johnson] What we need isn’t new toys. What we need is this.
[places tiny plastic space marine on table]
[Agent D from crowd] That’s just a toy!
Not Just a Toy
[Agent Johnson] No, it’s a Model Kit, you know, like model cars and trains. You will have to build these before you ever play with them, but they’ll come pre-painted.
[crowd murmurs]
[Agent D] What adult will ever play with that little plastic man?
[Agent Johnson] We create a tabletop game where these little men are used. It will have to be an intellectual game.
[Agent P] Like Chess?
[Agent Johnson] Yes! Just like Chess, but you build each pawn yourself. People will spend all of their time and money on this game.
[Agent F] I think you’re onto something here, but just building and playing isn’t good enough of a time sink. Let’s make them paint them too!
[crowd murmurs agreement]
[Agent Johnson] That’s fine, anything we can think of to occupy them and keep them from critical thinking. We will be able to charge ridiculous prices for this, and it will keep the masses financially unstable because of their addiction.
[Agent P] This is all good ideas, but eventually people will learn the game in it’s entirety and will get bored. What can we do to shake things up occasionally?
The Planning of the Release Schedule
[Agent Johnson] All good points. I was thinking that we could have two dozen or so armies with different miniatures, leading people further and further down the rabbit hole. Then we can change up the rules completely every couple years and constantly keep people off balance.
[Agent F] And what about just rapidly changing their army books all the time? Like that little space marine could get several codices, supplements, new models, and campaign books in the span of a year or two.
[group noise level swells, multiple excited side conversations]
[Agent D] And we can have a Fantasy and Futuristic version too!
[Agent B] And hundreds of novels!
[Agent F] What about video games? Board games? The possibilities are endless!
[Agent D] What if we made it really ironic, just to drive the conspiracy people crazy? Like make it where there is complete government control and the population is groveling idiots.
[Agent P] Oh! Oh! Make the people worship the government like God!
[Agent F] And let’s insert random things in the backstory that will cause arguments! Division even among the people of the shared hobby! Like one group could have a shady past but actually be good guys. All the other chapters say that they are evil.
[Agent Johnson] Oddly specific, but okay.
[crowd laughter, lightning strikes outside]
[Chairman] Then it’s settled! We will make this little game and maintain control over the masses.
Are You a Believer Now?
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Thanks Michael, smooches!
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