Pimpcron: 3 Times My Kids Ruined My Warhammer
Ready for a tear jerker? Pimpcron’s got ya covered this week.
Hey. Kids. Ya know what I’m saying? Those smelly little offspring that we sometimes make? I started this hobby in the same year that I had my first crotch goblin and we had three more after that before we pinpointed how exactly they kept occurring. We even had the house sprayed for bed bugs, because at that point we were trying anything we could think of to stop the tide of children. Eventually we realized that it coincided with every time my wife went on business trips with her fit co-worker Jeff. So once we figured that out it was easy to keep the little buggers from proliferating like they were.
Anyway, if you have kids, you realize that they ruin everything. Carpet, walls, cars, bathroom mirrors, you name it. Well now that I’ve been both Hammering and parenting for a full decade, I might as well look back on the couple times me children proved to be the worst.
Army Transport = Ladder
Ya know, I take care of my armies. I assemble them, paint them, and put them in army transports. But occasionally the models are fiddley and don’t want to lay down properly so I have to devise new ways to store them inside transports. My 2nd oldest was around 3 years old when disaster struck.
My Dark Eldar Scourges all have custom bases/flight stands and they all have bat wings which took special time and care to assemble, the problem is they don’t store well. So I had them in bubble wrap inside my army transport on top of the stacks of foam trays. I was storing them in a soft case and had recently left the transport in my pantry, being too lazy to properly put the case away after use. Well you can imagine that I nearly bled from my eyes when I stride into this horror scene.
My three-year old was standing full weight on my army transport, sunken about ankle deep into the top of that bag. Needless to say, only one out of the 20 Scourges was intact. Almost all of them had two or three breaks. Feet broken off, wings broken off, guns removed. And Pimpcron wept.
I Care Not For Your Efforts Father
I was doing some basing with sand and gravel outside. I had a bunch of models to do at one time and it gets messy inside on the counter. I asked my third child who was 6 to carry my bin of gravel and sand outside. Many of you may wonder why I would be so upset about my gravel if something were to happen to it. I like to have a complex and varied container of sand and different sizes gravel to make basing look really nice. This mix of sand and gravel had been assembled, no, curated over the course of years and years. It had no less than four different sized rocks in a blend of three different coarseness of sand.
When I heard yelling outside among the children, I knew something was wrong. I bust out the door and screamed, “Is the sand okay?!”
The sand was not okay. Years of cultivation, scattered in the grass.
The Hive Fleet’s Demise
I don’t own many Forge World models. But I do have one pride and joy: my Barbed Hierodule. I know its not the best model out there, but it’s the first forge world I ever bought and gosh darn it, I love it. I have some shelves hung stupidly low enough for a child to grab stuff and I was working in my storage room when my youngest asks me something stupid in the background. I’m busy, so I’m not paying attention. I issue some standard answers to something I’m not listening to. “Yeah, that’s cool.” “Oh, wow.” Meanwhile she is standing behind me, jabbering on about something or other.
“I like this daddy.”
“Yeah, I do too babe.” [not looking]
“This is cool daddy.”
“Yup. It is.”
Then something creeps into the back of mind. What is it that she could be looking at that is so cool? Hmmmm. Parenting claxons blare in my mind as I wheel around to find her holding the Hierodule by the tip of the barrel with one hand, nearly over her head to show me.
I react maybe a bit too quick as I jump to grab it. She is startled and shrugs. The shrug snaps off the shoulder joint, the floor impact breaks a shin in half, chips some of the teeth and breaks the other cannon into pieces.
So this is why I am a big advocate for birth control.
BONUS STORY
I keep my Tomb Kings army in a flat tray because they are so awkward to store. I went to a friend’s house and played with them but left the tray in the passenger seat of the my truck. All my kids sit in the back rows, so I know it’s safe from them messing with my precious collection.
Later I find that my wife literally tossed her purse on top of my obvious army sitting there. We’re divorced now. Thanks for asking. She’s doing well. Turns out she is dating her old co-worker Jeff, I never saw that coming but I guess they had chemistry.
HAS THIS HAPPENED TO YOU?
Hey! This article is brought to you by my top-tier Patreon supporter Mike Cowley!
Thanks Michael, smooches!
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