Pimpcron: OMG A Celebrity Plays Warhammer!

4 Minute Read

Apr 18 2020

Pimpcron is bursting with excitement – come listen!

Oh my God guys and gals! This is not a drill! I repeat, this is not a drill! We just found ourselves in a LEVEL SIX celebrity entanglement! Drop whatever you are doing, and come join the excitement. If you are holding a cigarette, drop it. Holding a seance, drop it. Infant? Drop it. Candle-lit vigil? Grudge? The one you love? DOESN’T MATTER! Drop them all!

A Literal God Just Revealed His Nerdy Side

If you haven’t already heard about this news, this message from heaven, then you need to feel bad. Being detained in a black site for toilet paper hoarding is the only legal reason why you can claim to not know that HENRY M’FN CAVILL plays Warhammer! Chills. I just had a pee shiver course through my body. He made a post recently on one of those stupid sites about ‘twits, or the ‘grahams and revealed that he was painting a Custodes head! The internet instantly exploded in a million tiny pieces as hearts and minds were forever changed and final everlasting peace befell the entire planet Earth.

The stock market recovered, people threw parades, and all differences were set aside among Mankind. If you don’t understand how important this single image of a partially painted Custodes head is, then get the hell out of my hobby.

Why Does It Matter?

First off, I feel like I don’t have to explain this, but I will. Celebrities are better than us normal people. They are the modern pantheon of Gods that we worship and idolize. For instance, how many of you bury a small statue of Lil Wayne in your yard when you want to sell your house? Or how many of you have small trinkets of Tom Brady around your necks? Nearly every neighborhood features a manger scene depicting Tom Hanks birth around the end of December.

This goes without saying, but these celebrities are the lofty goals humanity sets its sights on when we aim to better our self. They are richer than us, are more popular than us, and guest star on more talk shows than us. I make ALL of my political views based off of what these uber humans say on their pages. It’s the only place I get my news.

So when Henry Cavill posted, no, heralded his nerdiness to the world via image of a partially painted miniature helmet, it was a signal that resounded through the ether. It validated us as a group. Suddenly it didn’t matter anymore that I’m losing my hair and don’t exercise properly. I didn’t have to be afraid to tell people that I am a gross nerd. Gone were the days of my insecurities and shame about my chosen hobby of model painting and play. With a single image, he qualified us in eyes of the world. He lifted us up in a way that few have ever done. He really did save the day, like some sort of man of steel.

This Changes Everything

We don’t have to huddle in fear anymore. Signal the others, our time has come to rise up and be seen as wargamers! Our prophet Cavill has paved the way for us to come out of the shadows and show our twisted faces. For years now, thanks to the popularity of comic book movies, geek chic has slowly become a thing and many layers of stigma have peeled off community. Unfortunately for us wargamers, our layer of the nerdy onion was a bit deeper than others like video games, board games, and comic books. But this beefcake Cavill rose up and split the onion with his bulging, rippling biceps.

I have been spit on for being a wargamer. I was turned down for jobs because of my wargaming. My wife and kids don’t talk to me anymore. I’m not sure if that is directly because of my hobby, or my refusal to clip my toenails. Either way, I have struggled. I have suffered. This is exactly what I needed right now in my life, and I want to be the first one to thank Mr. Cavill for shining a light on our corner of geekdom.

Okay, okay. Joking aside, it is kinda neat to have a celebrity participate in our hobby and bring a little notoriety to it. But seriously people, chill out.

How Excited Were You To Hear This News?

Hey! This article is brought to you by my top-tier Patreon supporter Mike Cowley!

Thanks Michael, smooches!

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