Pimpcron: I Infiltrated a WAAC Club
Pimpcron is risking his life so we can learn.
Hello everyone, today I want to finally reveal what I’ve been doing for the last few weeks. I discovered that there was a wild WAAC club near our local college campus. I contacted National Geographic and they said they would be very interested in learning more about this type of gamer. There is currently very little known about the inner workings of WAAC player tribes.
Day 1:
I pack everything I think I’ll need for the trip: provisions, a flashlight, a bed roll, and personal protection in case I need to defend myself. My wife drives to the store where there have been reports of Win At All Cost players. We have our tearful goodbye; she knows the dangers involved with this project. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. In the past I have found competitives to be aggressive, territorial, and small-minded creatures. Though they have usually been encountered in small numbers, never such a large group. I get out of the car and weave my way through the parking lot, all the while my eyes are locked on the front door to the store. I feel like I’m entering a bear cave. Will they tear me to pieces?
Day 3:
I have set up camp in the corner of the store, barricaded behind some empty comics long boxes and a folding table. Everything has been fairly quiet since I got here. I made the mistake of stepping a little too close to the wargaming table on the first day. A thick-browed competitive screeched at me and began lurching to establish dominance. This alerted the rest of the group and they all started jumping up and down, some threw dice at me. When I backed off, they calmed down somewhat and resumed their game.
I have learned this one’s name is Steve. He isn’t the leader by far, but it is clear to the observer that he has his eye on the leadership position. It is hard to understand what they say most of the time because it is a strange mix of grunts and reciting FAQs. They have taken the language of Man and mixed it with their own twisted version of communication. It’s truly remarkable.
Day 7:
I think I’m starting to make some progress! I have set out a paper plate with Doritos and Red Bull near my hide out. Even though they had kept a suspicious eye on it, they had not actually approached it until today. The leader is a tall, robust man, shaped like a Russian nesting doll. The members all call him Mike, and he seems to be a pretty decent WAAC chief. When the store owner buys a couple pizzas and dumps them in the their circle, they fight and cuss and slobber all over everything. The smaller members often get pushed outside the violent circle. Mike makes sure to throw a couple pieces to them as well and they greedily devour it, thankful for the compassion.
Sometimes the store owner lowers a whole cow in, like Jurassic Park.
One of the small ones with a beak for a nose, Kyle, was a little upset about missing out on pizza today, so he timidly approached my paper plate. I was so excited! I eagerly peered over my long box fort as he cautiously inched closer and closer. He’d look back to Mike for reassurance and Mike would nod. I feel like Mike has come to understand that I mean them no harm. Kyle snatched the Red Bull and a paw-full of Doritos and scampered away, back to the safety of his circle. I nearly teared up at this first step towards trust and communication.
Day 21:
I’m sorry I haven’t written in so long, I really need to keep a better journal but these notes I’ve taken are fantastic! By about Day 12 the group had incorporated my paper plate into their territory and would frequently go to it for food and drink. I kept it refilled and by Day 16 I had earned enough trust to pet them gently as they crouch and eat off the plate. Today was the biggest day of all though! I have become like the environment to them, and I am finally able to move freely through their group. Though I am still not allowed within a few feet of their gaming table.
They are a simple people, more animal than man. I am very careful not to ever disagree with them or appear confrontational. Steve will run up to me and say something like, “Space Marines are best marines! Change page 23 ability wording to include “wholly within.” I smile and nod, then he’ll grin a big, rotten grin and scurry off to wrestle with his friends. Wrestling and arguing about errata is how they learn to defend themselves.
Day 25:
Well, this ended badly. That’s the problem with observing a volatile group at such a close distance. I’m writing this from my hospital bed, but my injuries are minor. It all started when Mike’s reputation was injured. This group is always survival of the fittest, they don’t take kindly to weakness. Mike’s wife delivered a baby and suddenly Mike couldn’t make it to the store as often. The depression on the group was immense, as they just lounged around all day and barely rolled a dice. It didn’t take long for Steve to start puffing up his chest and acting like he was the new leader. Out of need for guidance, some of the members followed him which further inflated his ego.
I should have guessed that he would be looking for any chance to establish his dominance. Little Kyle was curled up in my lap, sleeping with Doritos residue on his lips when Steve and his posse came up. “Kyle, you doesn’t play with unpainted models here no more. Page 60- Add the following sentence. You can only use this stratagem once per battle.” The ensuing argument had everyone screaming and jumping and it practically raining saliva. The crowd was surging towards us, a few threw punches, I had to get away with the helpless Kyle.
The Escape
I drug him by the hand back to my fort where I had my means of protection. The tide of WAAC players rolled after us, closing the distance with every moment. Kyle and I leapt into the fort, reached into my bag and pulled it out. The WAAC players began to crest over my long boxes as I grabbed my Epic Warplanner with both hands and it shone like a beacon in the darkness. The narrative power of my book blinded the WAACs, sending them flying back like a shock wave.
Kyle and I had to abandon the rest of my possessions. We made our way out of the store while repelling the angry clan with my narrative battle book. We managed to escape with only minor scrapes and bruises. Kyle and I will be making a full recovery and I have a movie deal in the works.
Any other questions about how they live?
Hey! This article is brought to you by my top-tier Patreon supporter Mike Cowley!
Thanks Michael, smooches!
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