D&D Monster Spotlight: Dungeons and Dragons’ Dumbest Monsters
Some monsters in the manual are scary, formidable, and likely to at least attempt to kill you and your party. Then there are these entries.
Bowler
Sometimes D&D makes rock like golems or giants or even sentient rock creatures with arms and legs and big strong hands and the general ability to be… y’know… threatening. Other times we get second edition’s Bowler, a boulder monster that hangs out in places that other rocks can be found, waits to sense vibrations, and then rolls towards its victim to crush them. Like a boulder. Can the Bowler roll up? If you step slightly to the side will it have to come back around and try again? Who knows! But it does get slightly faster each round. Which is something, I guess.
Gelun
Always at risk of freezing completely solid, the Gelun lives in the desert where the days are hot and keep the ice at bay. Does being eternally somewhat frozen in a block of ice hinter their battle ability somewhat? Sure does! While they look creepy, the Gelun is only a danger until your party gets somewhat far away and then they’re just half frozen desert decoration. It’s not a great surprise that we don’t see them often at all in encounters.
Thought Eater
Often mistaken for a platypus that’s died of starvation, the thought eater is an unintelligent neutral creature that doesn’t maliciously want to cause harm as much as it is driven by a compulsive need to consume. They’re so unintelligent, in fact, that they’re immune to attack or being controlled telepathically. In the same way that you can’t telepathically hurt or control a brick wall. One thing the Thought Eater has going for it is its ability to sense psionic activity, but that’s more similar to cartoon dogs sniffing out pies than a classic D&D encounter style threat.
Stench Kow
This definitely isn’t the first time we’ve picked on the Stench Kow, and I doubt it will be the last. Unaligned and not terribly intelligent, they are basically hardier bison. Except they stink. The Stench Kow’s breath is so bad that it will inflict poison damage similar to the Stinking Cloud spell. Normal cows don’t smell great, but this one is magically and harmfully odiferous.
Spider-Horse
Some D&D monsters are the sort of sad combinations of two normal creatures, and this isn’t always a bad plan. It worked great for the Avatar series. Unfortunately for D&D, sometimes they try their hardest and somehow land on the Spider-Horse. Half spider, half horse, all confusing. It feels like whoever came up with this monster wasn’t totally sure why people don’t like spiders and forgot that horses are a thing that most D&D adventurers need and like. With a neutral alignment and average animal intelligence, you can train one to be a mount like a regular horse, though it’s difficult. Oh, and they’re herbivores, so getting stuck in their web would be inconvenient at worst.
There are a lot of delightfully bad D&D monsters, what are some of your favorites? Have you encountered any of our picks? Would you like to in the future? Let us know in the comments!
Happy Adventuring!
