‘The Mummy’ Should Have Stayed in its Sarcophagus – Mars’ Retro Roast
The Mummy starring Tom Cruise, Sofia Boutella, and Russell Crowe sucks. In this essay, I will tell you why and how much it sucks.
Most of Universal’s attempts at reviving the monster movies of the early to mid-20th century have sucked (minus this one). The Wolfman and Dracula Untold were both critical and financial flops. Universal attempted a reboot of their catalog a la Marvel in 2017 with The Dark Universe, starting with a rehash of 1932’s The Mummy (starring the tremendous Boris Karloff).
The whole Dark Universe was canned after The Mummy didn’t bring in the box office returns the studio hoped for. I’m slightly annoyed that we didn’t get Javier Bardem as Frankenstein’s monster, though I’m sure the movie would have been terrible. But… that’s not what I’m here to discuss. I’m here to talk about how much 2017’s The Mummy sucks.
We Were Goin to Make Horror Movies, via Universal
The Mummy vs The Mummy
The first reboot after the monster feature genre petered off in the 1960s was the beloved The Mummy (1999). It takes inspiration from the adventure serials of the 1930s with swashbuckling heroes set in exotic locations. The movie has plenty of action and well-placed goofy comedy. It’s fun and the ensemble cast is fantastic. The 2017 version is none of that. The Tom Cruise-led version can’t land jokes, its action is boring, and it doesn’t know what it is.
Soldier of fortune Nick Morton (Tom Cruise) plunders ancient tombs for artifacts while serving in the army. He and his partner come under attack and the battle accidentally unearths the tomb of the cursed Ahmanet. They decide to transport her sarcophagus back to London because they’re smart (not really). The betrayed Egyptian princess rises from her slumber beneath the desert with a need to resurrect Set and destroy the world. Morton must stop her because this is his fault.
This is a real trailer that Universal put out onto the internet because they cared about this movie so much.
The Mummy Sucks – Spoilers Start Here
From the start, they really try for a swashbuckling adventure with humor, but it falls flat. Jake Johnson is not John Hannah, and Tom Cruise is no Brendan Fraiser. The attempt at comedy is dropped in the first 20 minutes as if it didn’t exist. The adventure drops in and out randomly. The movie shifts from one genre to another. It moves to being a straight action movie and then a horror movie and then a weird evil fighting secret society flick and back to horror and then action and then it ends. And the ending is stupid.
It references movies that are above its pay grade. I’m sure the writers thought they were tributes and they were being smart. Or maybe no one would notice they riffed on an American Werewolf in London, Evil Dead, and took a big plot point from one of the Quatermass movies. I can forgive the moments where Universal rips from its own classic movies, but Lifeforce? Did you crib from f’ing Lifeforce? Oh, and the twist at the end is a rip of The Hunger.
I’m Your Comedic Dead Friend, via Universal
Cruise is not good in this. At all. Annabelle Wallis is just a prop to reveal information and then becomes a useless damsel in distress. If only she would have stayed an Indiana Jones analog, but no, we can’t have a lady with brains and know-how! Jake Johnson is entirely forgettable. As a trio, they have no chemistry or real camaraderie. Sofia Boutella is there to be angry and look creepily attractive while wrapped in rags and parts of her are rotting off. Russel Crow as Jekyll is just ok – his performance feels empty.
Overall, the acting and directing are meh and the whole thing turns into a blur.
Chemistry vs. No Chemistry, via Universal
The Part About a Mummy
Ahmanet’s origin is a decent adaptation of the classic from 1932 – it’s fine. She has a cool tomb and sarcophagus. That’s where it stops. The mummy in this movie does not succeed in being scary (or even interesting.) The CG elements of her body are very bad for a movie of this era, as are her CG-headed ghouls. She’s a boring, soul-sucking, sand-controlling, ghoul-making antagonist. They were aiming for a new, modern mummy and wound up with a bunch of yelling, weird finger motions, and pupula duplex.
There could be an underlying theme of ancient Egypt taking revenge on England for colonization and the looting of sacred objects, or saving ancient sites in Iraq from destruction. But it’s not really loud enough to count. Choosing Iraq for the opening is more a way to get a military plane and an excuse to have Cruise run away from gunfire than to make a statement.
We Bombed This Tomb Good, via Universal
The Dark Universe Barges In
This whole thing didn’t need to exist. The inclusion of Jekyll/Hyde to create an anchor for the Dark Universe was a bad choice. The detour doesn’t help the main story. It adds another plot thread that doesn’t get resolved. The middle of the movie becomes the Hyde show rather than Ahmanet’s for nearly 30 minutes. Also, why does there always have to be a secret society funded by a slush fund to save the day?
Also, the Hyde CG looked like a dime-store Hulk from 2003. Younger remorseless brut? Yes. Greenish and puffy with weird, reflective eyes? No. No.
via Universal
Tiny Recap
They get the sarcophagus on a military plane, the curse leaks out, and the plane is taken down by a massive bird strike. They crash in the English countryside. Morton is dead. Then he’s not dead and he starts seeing Ahmanet in hallucinations trying to convince him to find her and let her stab him.
There’s a lot of running around London, glass breaking, armies of ghouls (some of them swim), anthropologists to be saved, and one Morton that needs to turn into Set. Ahmanet tries several times to plunge her cursed blade into his chest, but he resists and is saved by others. He ends up meeting Jekyll who runs an anti-evil organization. They have captured Ahmanet, and she escapes. Then Morton fights Hyde.
There’s some more fighting that includes ghouls and such. In the end, Morton ‘sacrifices’ himself by stabbing himself and taking on the curse, and gaining immortality. The epilogue shows him riding in the desert toward the pyramids to do…? We never find out because there’s not another movie. Maybe he’s looking for Akasha so they can spend eternity together. Who knows?
I Like Sand, via Universal
Yep, It Sucks
This is another action movie that feels like it was written by a committee trying to check off a list. It has scenes but it doesn’t have a comprehensive story. Maybe if they had gone with a simple plot and one genre? As is, it’s expensive garbage with no payoff because they relied too much on more movies coming after it. Not everything needs to be interconnected. Simple, self-contained A-to-B plots are not a bad thing. If Universal had learned from the mistakes and successes of comic book movies, this would have been a stand-alone with small threads. Not a movie that’s trying to be three things at once.
Cruise and Crow are only memorable because they’re big names, not because of their performances. I forgot most of the rest of the characters’ names half way through.
The movie’s 16%/35% Rotten Tomatoes score is accurate. The Mummy is an empty nothing-burger.
