D&D: Five of the Weirdest Magic Items This Side of the DMG
D&D has its share of weird items, like mechanical crab barrels, floating stones, or a literal evil eye… but they’ve got nothing on these items.
When it comes to weird magic items, D&D does not disappoint. From barrels that are actually submarines, to the magic holes ripped straight from the Looney Tunes world, to magic spears that are cursed in a fun way to sort of stab you in the back when you strike with them. Or there’s the magical black hole or the pie that makes a fart noise when you cut into it… D&D gets weird. And here are some of the weirdest of the weird, courtesy of the Encyclopedia Magica, aka every DM’s best friend, no matter the edition you’re playing.
Armor Bath
This is a magic bathtub straight out of something from Harry Potter. If you take a bath in blessed or cursed water (because they can’t just come out and say Mountain Dew Baja Blast) in this tub, it covers you in invisible armor. But only on body parts that are completely immersed in the water – you are “completely impervious” to ordinary weapons and your AC is significantly boosted against magic weapons – and better still you’re immune to damage-causing spells as long as they only hit parts of your body that are armored.
So what’s the downside? Why is this magic bath weird? Well, you can never take the armor off, and… well you’re wearing invisible armor. You lose all feeling in your affected bathing areas. You also lose flexibility, because you’re wearing armor.
Also, if you bathe more than 50% of your body in the shower, you die, no save. So. I guess those people that don’t wash their legs are on to something.
The Watchers
This is a magical painting worth 12,000 gp, but it carries all sorts of weirdness with it. At first glance, it’s a painting of a forest, though if you look closely you’ll notice menacing eyes watching from the underbrush, and if you look at the painting too long, your mind might be drawn into the consciousness of one of the small, woodland animals depicted in the painting (as long as there’s a similar creature nearby the painting’s “real” location). Then your mind becomes that of the animals’ and you’ll stay inside the consciousness of a woodland critter unless someone stops you from looking at the painting.
As this was 2nd Edition, naturally you need to roll system shock tests or die. But hey, you can also use it to control animals, like a cut-rate Lord Profion.
Blasphor’s Magical Diapers and Crib of Pushing
This is a magical set of diapers that instantly transmutes the waste of anyone wearing it into “a mixture of 95% pure oxygen and 5% powdered talcum”. The magical crib is self-rocking and holds a milk bladder. A parrot hangs around the crib watching the crib’s occupant(s) and chattering and chirping at them. The crib of pushing will rock back and forth while its occupant cries, and will feed its inhabitant, as well as transmute any spills or other… accidents… that might be had.
This is either written by a harried parent or someone with a very specific fetish.
Cabinet of Ministering
A literal doc in a box – this magical cabinet is 5 feet tall, 4 feet wide, and 3 feet deep. Anything shoved inside when a command word is spoken is administered to, either having a curse removed, a disease cured, or being healed for up to 50 points worth of healing. And you can carry it with you wherever you go, just keep it out of a melee, because it can be easily damaged. Still, it’s nice to be able to say “quick, the Paladin‘s almost dead, shove ’em in the box!”
Egg of Distraction
This magical egg (oh, it’s not the only one, not by a long shot), is a peculiarly effective magical device. When spun on its wide end, the egg enchants all who see it, momentarily distracting them. If distracted (because you failed your save), you forget what you were about to say – including any spell you were about to cast – and you take a penalty on attack rolls and armor class because your eyes keep being drawn back to the spinning egg.
Once distracted, you will always try to look at it, until someone obstructs your view of the egg for a round.
Bonus – Razor of Close Shaving
This is a magical straight-edge razor. It’s a +1 blade, made out of platinum and encrusted with diamonds, allowing the user “to shave with little chance of marring his or her face.” The shave leaves your skin so kissably soft that you gain a +1 Charisma bonus for the day when you groom yourself with this razor.
D&D folks. Happy Adventuring!
