‘Doctor Who’: Grading Every Doctor By How Chill They Are in a Diner
Hey, remember that time on Doctor Who when the Doctor goes to an American diner? Do you think he knows diner etiquette?
Doctor Who is a British institution. However, over the years, the show finds itself exploring the American landscape more and more. And on a few occasions, the Doctor finds themselves hanging out in the most quintessentially American locale—the diner.
But what the series never answers is this vital question: does the Doctor know how to behave in a diner? Because, as a card-carrying member of the Born in New Jersey Club I can tell you—there are RULES. How long can you stay? What’s a good order? What (if anything) should you play on the jukebox? How much should you tip? A lot. You should always overtip at a diner.
After careful considerations, we offer two conclusions:
- Every incarnation of the Doctor has been to a diner at least once
- The best way to judge the Doctors is based on how well they pass the diner vibe check
And with that in mind, let’s grade every Doctor on Doctor Who (in order of appearance) based on whether or not they know how to act right in a diner.
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The First Doctor
Diners, in the classic sense, are 24-hour establishments. The Doctor is a time traveler so let us assume they go to diners during an era where late-stage capitalism ISN’T strangling every small business to death and so 24-hour service is still an option.
With that in mind: the First Doctor is the personification of an early bird special. He rolls in at 5 am, always dresses well, and he sits at the counter. The First Doctor is a stone-cold regular. He goes to the same diner like clockwork every Sunday. He doesn’t do the Sundays in order, but that’s mostly just for fun.
The same lifer waitress always serves the First Doctor and she is 100% sweet on him. He’s charming as hell, but only to her. The rest of the staff he’s respectful to. But the other patrons know well enough to stay away.
The First Doctor is the platonic ideal. He’s consistent. He never orders anything complex. And he tips a perfectly fair amount for what he ordered.
The Order: Two eggs, sunny side up. Rye bread, no butter. Coffee black.
On the Jukebox: Nothing. But sometimes his waitress puts classical on the radio and they just vibe. The Bigeneration version of the First Doctor absolutely marries this woman.
Rating: S Tier. Like most senior diner-goers, the First Doctor knows his diner etiquette front to back.
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The Second Doctor
The Cosmic Hobo has never been to the same diner twice. The good news is that all diners are effectively identical. The bad news is that the Second Doctor still insists on pouring over the menu indecisively EVERY TIME. Literally every menu is the same, dude. And yet you keep muttering “oh dear, oh dear” like this is some kind of impossible brain teaser. Aren’t you supposed to be a genius? Why must you be this way?
Fortunately, Doctor Number Two always comes with companions. Victoria is extremely proper and also just so excited that electricity exists. Very easy to please. Similarly, Zoe expertly gets the Doctor to hurry up and order. She is the best friend of the youngest waitress in every diner.
Unfortunately, Jamie keeps flirting with the staff. It has never worked. It will never work. Stop, Jamie. You make things so weird.
The Order: French Dip. The Second Doctor loves an au jus.
On the Jukebox: Jamie predictably plays the Beatles because he’s basic
Rating: D Tier. The Second Doctor forgets to tip half the time.
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The Third Doctor
Exiled to Earth. Working for UNIT. You might assume the Third Doctor mostly eats in his lab or, at most, in the military canteen. But on a random misadventure where the Master tries to blow up England with space flan, the Third Doctor stops outside a local greasy spoon to use the bathroom. Except the bathroom is broken. No worries, though. The Third Doctor grabs some spare parts from Bessie, reverses the polarity of the neutron flow and now the toilet flushes again and in reverse.
The Third Doctor is the diner’s unofficial handyman. It’s very likely that he purposefully breaks things so he can come back and fix them, but who cares? He’s good to the staff so long as they don’t come onto Jo Grant. And all his UNIT buddies become regulars so business is booming.
The only real issue is that Three always wants to explain how everything works. And we all know how toasters work, man. Chill. Also, every time the Brigadier shows up, the pair argue like an old married couple, but that’s honestly kind of cute.
The Order: Soup of the Day. Doesn’t matter what it is. But he’s a slurper.
On the Jukebox: The Third Doctor rigs every jukebox to only play Venusian acid jazz. A true Time Monster.
Rating: B Tier. Kind of obnoxious, but that’s sort of the charm.
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The Fourth Doctor
At long last we get to one of the most classic of diner regulars: the late-night drunk. The Fourth Doctor only goes to the diner at three in the morning and he has never done it sober, not once in his life. The Fourth Doctor always comes in hot. He’s loud, he asks questions like “Why is a mouse when it spins” because he thinks random is funny, and he usually passes out before the meal arrives.
The good news is that he is a chronic over-tipper, mostly because he doesn’t know how money works. “What’s the right amount to tip? 200%? Sure, why not?”
The Order: A juicy cheeseburger that he barely touches, but he does drink his coffee after it’s gone cold
On the Jukebox: Nothing. He does however occasionally play chess with K-9.
Rating: B Tier. A good tip smooths over a lot.
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The Fifth Doctor
The Fifth Doctor is a bad tipper. There. Someone had to say it and I’m glad it was me. He rolls in with two women. Is he dating both of them? Neither? One of them and the other’s jealous? The vibe is awkward and it’s safe to say nobody wants that whilst scarfing down disco fries. Plus, Adric is always there asking questions about the menu that he can just Google. Yeah, kid. Grape leaves are weird. But just shut up and order some. You’ll probably like them.
On the plus side: no sonic screwdriver. Safe to say that every Doctor who has one of those causes some degree of mayhem on purpose with it. Most of all, he doesn’t overstay his welcome. He’s a midday customer. He knows things are busy. And he doesn’t leave a lot of mess.
The Order: A Turkey Club. He actually likes when it’s a little dry, the sicko.
On the Jukebox: Tears For Fears or Genesis. He’s kind of a wet blanket, but his music taste is impeccable.
Rating: D Tier. He tips 15% at best. A full-on diner criminal.
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The Sixth Doctor
How entertained you are by watching people snipe at each other over a plate of (let’s be honest) subpar diner nachos will inform how you feel about the Sixth Doctor on the whole. Personally, as a real diner rubber necker, I love a 12-car pile-up of a man, but it’s an acquired taste.
The real question is over who makes the more obnoxious diner partner with Six: Peri or Mel? Because on the one hand, Peri’s whole thing is egging the Doctor on. That pretty much guarantees a squabble. But it’s probably a hushed one. But if it’s Mel? Forget it. She’s asking too many questions about how healthy the salads really are and she only lets the Doctor drink carrot juice. That’s bad for the Doctor, bad for the diner, and bad for the world.
Six’s ranking really depends on the server. And it’s worth noting that “middle-aged diner waitress” is kind of the perfect complementary vibe for Six. Sharp tongue. No nonsense. And the makeup is a little bit much. Honestly, Six could’ve worked at a diner. So there’s a begrudging respect.
The Order: Mel requests a health shake for him but the waitress always brings Six a milkshake instead.
On the Jukebox: Van Halen. Scorpions. Hair metal all the way down.
Rating: B Tier. The world loves a clown.
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The Seventh Doctor
The Seventh Doctor asks for extra spoons and then proceeds to “play them” on everyone and everything. He gets kicked out immediately.
Rating: N/A. Permabanned. There’s a wanted poster of him on every diner wall across the galaxy.
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The Eighth Doctor
Is it possible to order “off menu” at a diner? Not really, but that doesn’t stop the freshly minted Eighth Doctor. Eight has amnesia at first and proceeds to eat like he’s pregnant. He wants asparagus and ice cream. He drinks sour cream. Eventually, he finds a nice pair of shoes and then he levels out.
Eight’s actual biggest flaw is that he’s chronically avoiding an eternal, raging Time War and it makes him sad and weird. He’s one of those guys who comes to the diner alone, takes up a whole booth, and then stays there for, like, five hours. At least he comes during downtime.
The Order: He may be the dude who orders the lobster. What’s the worst that can happen? He regenerates?
On the Jukebox: The Smiths or The Cure. Good taste but what a little rain cloud.
Rating: C Tier. Everyone feels sorry for him. Also, he gets a little bit of a pass because he’s exceedingly hot.
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The Ninth Doctor
The O.G. last of the Timelords. Saves a family from the sinking Titanic. Bears witness to the 1883 eruption of Krakatoa. And just like the First Doctor, Nine has big “sits alone at the counter” energy. He does, however, love to take on strays. If someone else rocks up to the counter, he will most certainly befriend them. Only one catch: it’s because he doesn’t carry money.
On the plus side, Nine is effusive with his praise. The diner upholstery is fantastic. The servers are fantastic. Even the little tubs of coleslaw are fantastic. Did you know those grow on trees? The Ninth Doctor razed the weapons factories on Villengard to the ground and now all that grows there are bananas and coleslaw cups.
Nine takes Rose to the diner sometimes. This goes one of two ways: everyone has a great time or everybody dies terribly. A real mixed bag. The name of the establishment, naturally, is “The Bad Wolf Diner”.
The Order: Water. Unless someone is buying, and then it’s chips/fries
On the Jukebox: The Stooges. He watches it happen. He makes it happen.
Rating: B Tier if he has a companion. D Tier if not.
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The Tenth Doctor
Everybody loves the Tenth Doctor, but do diners love him? He rolls up on a horse sometimes, so let’s just say the jury is out. His mood is wildly unpredictable. Sometimes he’s everybody’s best friend, pays for everyone, and buys shirts and hats with the diner’s name on them as he leaves. He actually has a room in the TARDIS full of diner merch.
But other times he’s extremely maudlin. Just a lot of “Did I ever tell you about the shining mountains and the silver trees of Gallifrey”. Yeah, dude. We get it. Your planet is gone. That’s hella depressing. Just let me eat my meatloaf.
Ten is not a regular on any level. He goes to random diners. He shows up at random times. Sometimes he just sits on the steps listening to the fortune teller machine. “Fortune for a quarter? I love quarters!” “Your song is ending soon!”
The real problem is that, whether he’s a party or a bummer, it’s hard to get him out the door. “I don’t want to go.” Yeah. We get it, bud. But you’ve been in this booth since this morning and now it’s Tuesday. Go home.
The Order: Banana Daquiri. He invented it, you know.
On the Jukebox: “Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick” by Ian Dury & The Blockheads.
Rating: D Tier. You may love him. You may get his sticky uppy haircut. But he’s nightmare fuel for a diner staff.
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The Eleventh Doctor
The one time we see the Eleventh Doctor go to a diner it is to die. Um… drama? No one is being paid enough to put up with that. Plus, he shows up way ahead of his party and table hogs. While he waits, he starts talking to all the regulars which they hate. He insists that his straw adds extra fizz to his drinks even though it obviously doesn’t.
However, if someone shows up with a crying baby, Eleven will silence them fast. Incredible superpower. Our hero. Honestly, if Eleven has a regular haunt, he’s probably reasonably popular there, especially with kids. He also orders potatoes for Strax which is always hilarious.
The Order: Fish fingers and custard, which is now on the menu and disturbingly popular
On the Jukebox: “In the Year 2525” by Zager and Evans which he dances around to like a drunk giraffe.
Rating: B Tier. He really grows on you, especially if you live on Trenzalore and he spends his entire life protecting the diner from wooden Cybermen and other bad tippers.
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The War Doctor
Little known fact: the burned-out shack The War Doctor brings The Moment to isn’t his old home—it’s his old diner.
The Order: The destruction of every Dalek and Timelord. Also Cup O’ Soup.
On the Jukebox: The sounds of wanton annihilation
Rating: A Tier. That sentient bomb says he’s a sweetheart and who are we to argue?
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The Twelfth Doctor
The most curmudgeonly Doctor since the original—or is he? Twelve is the other Doctor we actively see in a diner and he’s there because he’s looking for Clara—his best friend who he loves and misses deeply even though he has no memory of her. Truly, the oldest and softest of old softies.
The truth is that Twelve probably rarely goes to the diner alone, but goes there constantly with a friend. Nardole definitely drags him there sometimes. And let’s be honest: he’s been to at least one diner with his actual best friend: Missy. In fact, not a lot of people know this but the restaurant that views The Singing Towers of Darillium? Diner. Very fancy diner, but still a diner. He’s the reason that place was even built and he hangs there for TWENTY FOUR YEARS!
Twelve is, by our very specific metrics, a diner enthusiast.
The Order: Twelve has eaten literally everything on a diner menu at least once.
On the Jukebox: He uses his sonic to connect his own guitar and takes requests
Rating: S Tier. He’s probably the reason diners even exist.
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The Thirteenth Doctor
Thirteen has a bad reputation—everywhere except the diner, that is. At the diner, she’s a dinner regular who always brings the whole fam. They actually forego the booth and sit at a round table. Big theater kid vibes coming off of everyone. In fact, they probably just saved a local high school’s musical from being destroyed by Donald Trump who is a giant spider for some reason.
One time Thirteen was really mean to a member of the wait staff but it turned out the waiter was the Master in disguise. It was still pretty uncool, though. Dude’s just picking up a shift in between killing Timelords and enabling Lone Cybermen.
The Order: Sampler plate. Thirteen lives for eating stuffed mushrooms and wings at the same time.
On the Jukebox: no jukebox, but she does try to get the whole diner to sing show tunes with mixed results.
Rating: A Tier. She’s A LOT but she’s very fun. She definitely tips well and makes sure everyone else does, too.
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Ruth AKA the Fugitive Doctor
The Fugitive Doctor probably does not get a lot of diner time when she works for the Division. However, Chameleon Arch Ruth Doctor? That’s a different story. Ruth is definitely a diner regular. She probably drops by midday, gets something quick, and then gets back to work doing guided tours.
On the plus side, she absolutely knows the waitstaff. She probably even knows the wait staff’s kids. The minus side is that, when she’s really struggling, she probably hands out pamphlets for the tour at the diner. We respect the hustle, but that move is kind of frustrating if you’re just trying to eat.
But Ruth is people who knows people. She probably does birthdays at the dinner and the whole place sings to her when she does.
The Order: Soup and a sandwich lunch special. Hearty without being heavy. Gets Ruth through a long day.
On the Jukebox: Maybe it’s because I just heard it, but I’m going to say “U.N.I.T.Y.” by Queen Latifah.
Rating: A Tier. Ruth is part of the community, always tips well, and also can beat the heck out of space rhinos when necessary.
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The Fourteenth Doctor
David Tennant is back, baby, and this time his Doctor is in therapy! Major upgrade! Plus, he has a full family: Donna, Shaun, Sylvia, Rose, and Mad Auntie Mel. This is definitely the family who stays together because they diner together. They go on Sunday afternoons and get mildly day drunk. Fourteen is always the first there because he knows they need a big table but never remembers to reserve one. He has the best stories which he regales the waitstaff with—and they absolutely love it.
Fourteen and Rose have a foodie TikTok channel called “Diners, Timelords, and Dives”. Guy Fieri tries to sue but psychic paper saves the day.
The Order: A lot of Mediterranean after Fourteen starts dating the Greek guy who owns the place.
On the Jukebox: “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” by The Proclaimers.
Rating: S Tier. A true redemption story.
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The Fifteenth Doctor
Beautiful. A smile so bright it can turn on the sun. And the Timelord most likely to use every option in the TARDIS wardrobe. We’ve only seen a little of Ncuti Gatwa’s Doctor, but it is safe to say he is the undisputed king of passing the vibe check.
Fifteen definitely kicks it late-night. He saves the world from goblins, he co-writes a Beatles song, and then he pops in the diner booth and just chills. Sometimes Ruby Sunday is there so they can laugh about how wicked they are. But most of the time, he’s curling up with a good book, laughing the whole time.
None of the waiters know Fourteen, but a few have shared a dance floor with him. He’s mysterious but warm. An enigma that everyone wants to figure out. Also, he busses his own table. Respect.
The Order: Usually it’s just tea. But when he orders more, it’s something massive that he absolutely inhales.
On the Jukebox: His tastes are as varied as his wardrobe. Some disco. A lot of funk. But right now he’s really into this local D.C. called Ekko Astral.
Rating: A Tier. He’s hot, he’s chill, he smells amazing. Destined to be S Tier in the future.
