The Only Ship to Ever Go Plaid – The Spaceball I Breakdown
Big, menacing, and capable of sucking all the air out of a planet in just a few minutes; we break down the legendary Spaceball I.
Of all the ships in the Spaceball fleet—and there are many, because if there’s one thing Spaceballs need, it’s to get away from Planet Spaceball, even if just to pop over to planet Druidia to buy some Perri-Air—none was as menacingly large and weighty as Spaceball I. It was the flagship of the Spaceballs.
And despite its immense size, the ship was capable of surprisingly fast speeds. It might seem ludicrous that such a large vessel could travel so fast, and yet, that’s exactly how Spaceball I traveled.
Like the old Schwartz proverb states, it’s not the size that matters, but how you use it. And the Spaceballs knew how to use Spaceball I. Right up until it was destroyed.
Spaceball I – Design and Capabilities
As the flagship of the Spaceball fleet, Spaceball I was heavily armed and armored. It had several forward torpedo tubes, as well as blaster cannons. So powerful were its weapons, that even a “warning shot” could run the risk of destroying a spaceship as fragile, as say, a brand new white Mercedes 2001 SEL (Limited Edition with the moon roof and all leather interior). It was armored enough to repel firepower of all but the highest magnitude.
Few other ships in the local cluster could even hope to make a dent in Spaceball I. But despite the armament, Spaceball I was more than just a warship. It was outfitted with all the luxury amenities a Spaceball could possibly want.
The bridge alone featured several gunner stations, communications consoles, and of course, a Mr. Coffee and Mr. Radar machine. These two mainstays of anyone engaging in galactic dominion were located conveniently next to each other so that you could have coffee while you watch radar. And thanks to the massive main radar dish, Spaceball I could spot even distant planets well before normal visual range. With its teleview capacity, the ship could see for light years.
Assuming that the main radar dish remained in working order. Other amenities include a Mr. Rental video cassette rental kiosk so that passengers or crew can be kept endlessly entertained with hours of hilarious films like The Twelve Chairs, Young Frankenstein, The Producers, or Blazing Saddles.
Of course, this is just the bridge area. Throughout the lengthy body of the ship, one could find a cafeteria, a circus (complete with acrobats, a bearded lady, and a performing bear), a pizza delivery kiosk, and even a full orchestra could be found aboard.
Spaceball I also boasted a powerful engine, capable of reaching Ludicrous Speed, which would transcend mere hyperspeeds, going straight to plaid. At speeds like this, Spaceball I could easily overtake any quarry.
But beyond the amenities, Spaceball I was created to serve all of the needs of Planet Spaceball. This is why its ultimate weapon was not a planet-destroying superlaser—that would just destroy valuable resources, and would be more likely to spark a rebellion than to intimidate everyone into falling in line—but rather, it was the ability to transform.
When activated, Spaceball I could undergo a metamorphosis, becoming a massive humanoid figure known as Mega Maid. While Mega Maid’s full capabilities were never demonstrated, it was known that Mega Maid could drain the atmosphere from a planet in mere minutes, thanks to an extraordinarily powerful vacuum, which came equipped with both “suck” and “blow” modes.
Air Crisis on the Capital
Spaceball I’s biggest claim to fame, though, was its involvement in the Spaceball air crisis. After Planet Spaceball had squandered its supply of air, Spaceball I was sent to the planet Druidia under the command of Dark Helmet and Colonel Sandurz in order to kidnap Princess Vespa. This was part of a scheme to convince Druidia’s king, King Roland, to give up the code to the planet’s air shield.
And though it nearly succeeded, Spaceball I was ultimately destroyed. Not by any big space battle—few ships could stand against the might of Spaceball I. But rather, it was destroyed from within. A lone vagabond, Lone Starr, and his best friend and sidekick, Barf (short for Barfolomew) a Mog (half-man, half-dog), and Princess Vespa and her droid Dot made their way into the cerebral cortex area of Mega Maid.
During a battle with Dark Helmet himself, the self-destruct mechanism was triggered. And since Spaceball I had left without installing its self-destruct shutoff switch, there was no saving the massive vessel.
While the ultimate fate of the Spaceballs remains unclear, there’s just no telling where they’ll turn up next.
