D&D: Five Ways to Be a Goblin Without Being a Goblin
The natural urge to be a goblin is an irresistible one. But what do you do when you can’t be an actual goblin?
Goblin mode was the word of the year in 2022. And for good reason. We’re all tired of being polite. We just wanna go full-on goblin. Be a weird little green guy who goes out there to do crimes. But sometimes, you can’t be an actual goblin. Maybe your DM said no. Maybe your party has told you, and you specifically, that you’re not allowed to play a goblin anymore. Not after the incident. Whatever the reason, what can you do when you just wanna be a goblin? Try this instead.
Be a Kenku
Kenku are weird little bird people. They used to only be able to speak like they were a Homestar Runner soundboard circa 2006. That is to say, they could perfectly replicate every sound they heard, but that was the only way they could speak. Now, however, they are a bunch of weird little bird people who can perfectly mimic any sound or any writing or craftwork they’ve seen or heard.
Copy the voice of the king and issue an edict. Then forge your own copy of a royal edict that you carefully edit to match what you’ve said. Or just pretend to be Captain Picard and shut off access to the Enterprise Bridge.
Be a Grung
This gets you a little bit closer to being a Goblin without necessarily reminding everyone of “the incident.” You get to play a weird little frog guy, and what’s even better is that if you play a Grung, you get to have poisonous skin and a 15-foot vertical leap.
If you can’t figure out how to be a Goblin with that information, I can’t help you.
Be a Plasmoid
Poisonous skin a no-go after you tried to get the archlich to lick you so it could “see time?” That’s understandable. Don’t worry. Whole new levels of goblinity await you with the Plasmoid. You get to play an amorphous blob of ooze that can squeeze its body through a space of up to 1″ wide. And on top of that, you can extrude a pseudopod.
Be a Kobold
If you can’t be a Goblin, a Kobold is the next best thing. These little dragon wannabes get the short end of life’s stick so often that they’ve lost their ability to grovel cowardly and hope for the best. Still, what they lack in impressive stature, they make up for with Craftiness and the ability to make their little friends have advantage with a single, draconic cry.
Be an Autognome
It doesn’t get more Goblin Mode than being a weird little robot who was created for a specific purpose, but then gained a life and will of their own.
What’s your favorite way to be a weird little guy?
