Pimpcron: 40k Armies as Your FB Friends

4 Minute Read

Oct 20 2017

Pimpcron reveals how neurotic these factions would be.

Nearly everyone knows some other person, right? I’m the Pimpcron, and this is how it would be if you had 40k armies as Facebook friends.

Ork-

Ork would be the most trashy, “ratchet” friend you have: from airing its unsavory private life on social media, to posting selfies of its bad tattoos. Probably captioning its pics with “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best”. Always ready to fight someone online over literally anything and nearly always turning online threats into physical ones.

Imperium-

The Imperium would be the friend who literally believes anything a meme told them. From the stupidest “facts” to the strangest conspiracies, if you put a picture in a black frame with Impact font text, you’ve got a new believer. Imperium is exactly like your friend Tau, just different ends of the spectrum and boy do they butt heads over nearly everything. They call Tau a Sheeple and Tau calls them an idiot.

Tau-

Tau would be the friend that always shares links to science articles, and is a science cultist through and through. If Neil Degrasse Tyson didn’t say it, it doesn’t exist and never will. He has no science background himself, and was probably an average science student in school. But on Facebook he is the Champion of anything someone else said as long as they wear a lab coat. As close minded as your friends get, his world view is very easily shaken with the idea of something not yet proven. Tau and Imperium don’t get along very well.

Eldar-

Eldar will not shut up about how ‘spiritual’ they are and how much yoga they do. Looking at their photo album, it looks like a gallery of inspirational posters. Sunsets on the beach while doing yoga, sunrises on a mountain top while meditating, swimming in a lake with a pompous-ass quote from some famous person. Oh, yeah they love quotes. They fill your feed everyday with some inspirational meme or quote about following your dream, achieving your goals or finding your center.

Necrons-

Necrons have never been recorded saying or writing a positive comment. A downer at every party you might drag them to, and probably a recluse. They almost never reply to comments people make on their constantly-negative comments and posts. They get their jollies by making vaguely depressing posts so that people ask what’s wrong and they can play coy and not reply. They say they hate drama, but the very first person start it.

Tyranids-

Dear God, if you see one more food selfie from this friend you are going to unfollow them. You say this nearly every day but occasionally they do post a good recipe from Pinterest. When they aren’t taking photos of their meals, they are talking incessantly about their new fad diet they just started that is the best thing in the world. This new diet is way better than that old one because of [reason] and they are bound and determined to stick with this one because [reason]. A week later they say that diet was crap and post a pic of them at the county fair eating a corndog.

Chaos-

Chaos would be that friend that trolls everyone online. Never serious, just always trying to generate butt hurt. Constantly sharing intentionally inflammatory images and links, even if he doesn’t believe in it. Tagging friends in posts that he knows will piss them off. It’s ya boi, Chaos!