They Slice! They Dice! The Five Stupidest Anime Swords
Anime is full of silly, unwieldy, impractical, and downright stupid swords. And we love them all, but here are a few of our favorites.
Anime is full of stupid swords, and I mean that with the most affection possible. Stupid swords are a keystone trope of anime, and if a character battles with one that’s silly, unwieldy, impractical, or just defies science, you know you’re in for a good time and some killer future cosplays. There are almost as many stupid anime swords as there are animes, but these are just a few of my favorites.
Attack on Titan‘s Swords
I used to be a pretty big fan of AoT. In fact, I made one of these costumes and all of the gear for a cosplay years ago. And to be fair to the swords, they’re the least stupid part of the gear. The entire premise of AoT‘s battle system is teaching traumatized teenagers how to spider-man swing around the forest to fight giants. But it’s anime so it works.
The swords are basically giant exacto knives with triggers that control the web-slinging and a little eject button. Because anybody who’s ever cut through an entire costume’s worth of foam will tell you that exacto blades go dull really really fast. Near as I can tell, those giant hip boxes are full of nothing but extra blades because the darn things need to be replaced so often. And for a world with minimal resources where maneuverability is your biggest asset, I feel like the wastefulness of the discarded blades and the giant boxes needed to carry them around feels like bad choices all around.
Masamune
Based on real-world Odachi swords, the Masamune is an iconic piece of Final Fantasy 7 weaponry. And to be fair to this sword, Odachi had a place on the battlefield- primarily used by people on foot against cavalry soldiers. But there aren’t a whole lot of horses in FF7, and it’s not like Sephiroth is fighting lots of enemies on Chocobo-back, so in his hands, this blade feels a bit more of an aesthetic choice than a practical one. Still, we love it and there are way sillier swords in Final Fantasy alone. Such as the…
Gunblade from Final Fantasy
Sure, there have been examples of guns mixed with blades in the real world. Take the musket for example. But the Gunblade redesigns that idea into something pretty impractical. Yes, the weapon looks awesome and when you see a cosplayer with one you know a lot of time and love went into it. But wouldn’t the gun aspect damage the blade? Or using it as a sword knock the gun half out of whack? This one came from an edgier time in fandom history, and we salute it… But not without a little bit of gentle teasing.
Dragon Slayer from Berserk
Anime loves giant swords, and I don’t just mean like the eight-foot long Masaume. I mean like the 400lb Dragon Slayer from Berserk. But this is just one example of hundreds, we love our gigantic anime swords. I’m not sure how any human can pick up and swing the Dragon Slayer. And in fact, I’ve seen videos of people at conventions trying to swing around not-steel (and therefore much lighter) cosplay replicas and struggling with it. I’ll give this trop to Inuyasha and the Tessaiga because he’s not human and his sword is literally magic. But in most cases, anything this big is for show and probably impossible to actually use. Luckily, anime characters aren’t confined by pesky things like physics and gravity.
Mitsuri’s Ribbon Sword from Demon Slayer
The sword that inspired this whole list: Mitsuri from Demon Slayer has a sword that leaves me with nothing but questions every week. How does it work? How does it all fit into the sheath? How does she not cut herself on it constantly? She has a fighting style that feels as if ribbon dancers competed to the death and a sword that’s long, thin, and very flexible. On the one hand, thin sheet metal is really sharp. On the other, it seems nearly impossible to control. But I’m also not watching the show about the demons and the magic breathing techniques for realism.
These are some of my favorite stupid anime swords, but there are hundreds if not thousands. What’s your favorite? Have you ever made or bought a replica of a silly anime sword? Let us know in the comments!
Ja ne, adventurers!
